On hold.

So an official suspension leaves the hopes and dreams of Phillies phans (like myself) in limbo until an undetermined time tomorrow or the next day or next day...Selig during the press conference on now seems like he didn't watch the whole game, but instead as if he woke up and ran to the ballpark, forgetting that there was a baseball contest occuring. Ouch. He seems shaky, tired, and ornery. His toupee is on too tight! Until we resume...hasta.

I'm a psychic!!!! A fucking psychic!!!!!

Bob Dupuy or whatever the hell is name is...some guy, C.O.O. of MLB, talking to Chris Myers as the tarp is pulled on the field. It was definitely dangerous enough to get the delay started, but...suddenly after the game is tied? I just called it folks, I just called it here. Bud Selig is a fucking evil genius. I guess now I watch football.

Rain rain...go away...

Now the game is tied thanks to Northeastern's finest, Pena, knocking in Upton, in from his day job as a professional meth addict. Now with the game locked up at 2...a delay seems more possible. Not excited about that so much. Tennessee just got a TD back from LenDale White and will try to go for the deuce and the tie...GOT it on the play action. This game just got good, and the Phils are coming to the plate.

Runs? Who needs runs?

I'll tell you, if the Phillies win tonight and the Rays can't manage to score one more run, us fans of the Broad-Streeters will have to feel lucky. Balfour had two on and no outs and still managed to get out of the inning unscathed. Cole back on the hill to keep 'em shut down...hopefully. Field is being worked on, and we've got a bit of a delay. Selig would NEVER call a World Series game due to rain....would he?

Scotty needs more power...

Kazmir is done, but he's got a legit gripe with the ump as the FoxTrax or whatever they call their strike zone had two pitches from him clearly catch the bottom of the strike zone and get called as balls. He was clearly nervous all game...but must be psyched to only be down one run against this offense. The excitement of a scoreless tie is truly something to behold, meanwhile, as the Bruins are about midway through the second period with no goals scored by them or the Oilers. Meanwhile, I am no longer as enamored with wrestling as I used to be...so i have pretty much given up on watching it...as Rey Mysterio heads to the ring to face Evan Bourne. This match may actually be pretty sick. Meanwhile, two on back in Philly and no outs with Balfour on the newly treated mound for the Rays and Victorino at the dish.

Chase the dream...

Utley playing inspired baseball with a hell of a double play (the High Priestess says "Now THAT was sexy! Got a boner.")and Hamels k's the Kaz to end the inning that started with a J-Roll error. A low scoring knockdown dragout in Tennessee as Indy managed a field goal to make it 7-6 Titans nearing the half. Back to Brotherly Love as Howard digs in, bottom fifth.

Damage undone.

Phils manage to load 'em up, but Chase grounds out to end a big threat in which we coulda used at least one run. Kazmir is in the mid nineties in pitch count, which is definitely good news, especially with Balfour warming for the Rays. Also looming out there is David Price...i'm a little worried. Just a little.

Ouch.

Hamels hit on the pitching hand in a bunt attempt, but Kazmir agressively ran down the subsequent successful attempt to get Ruiz at second and leave Cole at first. 2-1 to J-Rolla now, who's wearing the fashionable new Phillies hunting during the day/ballgame at night headwear at shortstop. Rollins walks, and here comes Werth with two down in the bottom of the fourth...back in a few.

Tears from heaven...

I dont like this...skies open over CBP, doesn't look too heavy. Pena just launched one that was nearly a home run, that Jayson Werth should DEFINITELY have caught. For once, McCarver and Buck say something I agree with, and that's that Pena dogged it on that double. Longoria just singled him in to cut the Phillies lead right in half. Rain is getting a little heavier. We've got drama on the South Side!!!

Bottom three...

Kazmir is starting to settle down as he breeeeeeeezes through Howard, Burrell, and Super Shane in the bottom of the third. With only two runs, Cole has to make sure to stay calm as well and keep the Rays quiet. Phillies need some insurance! Meanwhile elsewhere, EVERYTHING ELSE I AM WATCHING IS ON COMMERCIAL. Unreal.

Phils kept quiet...

Bottom of the 2nd goes pretty easy for Kazmir as Chase flies out to end it. Windy apparently in Tennessee also as the Colts have a 7-3 lead over the untouched Titans. Zero-zero in the first for the Bruins (what a shock this early), and Randy Orton is back in the WWE ring yelling at Mike Adamle and calling him a failure. Doesn't he know that Adamle knows THIS GUY???? JOUST, BITCH.

Kazmir is rattled...

When you give up a shoetop liner against Pedro "Spanish for guaranteed out" Feliz, you know things aren't going well. Luckily for him, he was able to get Carlos "My .417 avg is not a typo" Ruiz to fly to left. The Cole Show returns now.

Squeeze play.

Two pitches to Burrell that were borderline as he walks...keeping the lefty tight around the plate. However, he continues to be wild as he pitches well inside ball one to The Flyin' Hawaiian. Now 2-1 as he tries to work the outside corner against Shane. SUPER SHANE LACES ONE DOWN THE LEFT FIELD LINE AND THE PHILLIES LEAD 2-0. They are making Kazmir work in the first, with two outs.

Kazmir unsteady early...

A walk and a hit batter for the youngster in the bottom of the first. The Rays are clearly affected by the 43 degree gametime temperature and the crowd in South Philly. Cleans up a little as he K's Ryan Howard on the fastball that Tim McCarver said would be a slider away. Oops. Here comes the hitless Pat Burrell.

Sex...With Mom and Dad.

Add Dr. Drew Pinsky to my list of celebrities that were momentarily relevant that I assumed were dead. Two nineteen year old girls on this MTV show get to hear their Pop talk about how he once had an STD when he was younger and doesn't want them going down the same road. The response? "That's gross." Dr. Drew assures her that "Disgust breeds change". It's true, and its why I changed the channel. Phillies out of the first, coming to the plate after yet another commercial break.

Lineup change....

Rays shake up the lineup, moving Crawford into the 2 slot and bumping everyone else down. Why is the first pitch of the game brought to me by Bud Light? And why were there 87 commercial breaks between 8pm and now?

Bad sign number one.

HALL COULDN'T MAKE IT, SO YOU GOT OATES?!?!!?? FUCKING OATES?!?!?!? HALL AND/OR OATES FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM??? HOW MANY FAMOUS SINGERS ARE FROM PHILLY AND YOU COULDN'T GET HALL SO YOU HAD TO SETTLE FOR OATES???? WAS THE BASS VOICED GUY FROM BOYS 2 MEN AT A FUCKING BAR MITZVAH?!?!?!?!?

Rock and roll.

Reruns of Scrubs are not adequate pregame for what could possibly be the biggest night in Philadelphia sports history in the past 20-plus years. However, when the real pregame starts on Fox, can we please do something about Jeanne Zelasko? She is quite possibly the most useless television personality in history. Luckily, I only have to listen to her before and after the game, and not during the whole shebangabang. I am about 100 percent sure that she was not born, rather, built. After her inception she kidnapped an actual human, skinned them, and grafted said skin onto her own wannabe Fembot body. Let's see what we can do to get her hit by a bus asap. Game 5 coming up.

Go time.

When your 9-12, ERA over 4 and a half starting pitcher is trotting the bases after a no-doubt jack into the left-field seats at The Bank, you know your team is rolling pretty solidly. Werth dropped the "less" from his name, Ryan awoke from his slumber, and Blanton owned the Rays on the bump. An absolute trouncing last night of the Rays, a team that Tampa/Ft. Lauderdale may banish back to Satan's henchmen with a loss tonight. Rays on the brink (in a game I think they will win), Colts vs. Titans, professional (so i'm told) hockey, and pro wrasslin'! All right here tonight starting at 7:30. See ya then, kids.

The quickening.

The Professional Football Team Formerly Known as the New England Patriots just got absolutely manfucked by The Triple A Miami Dolphins. Absolutely insane. Ronnie Brown has apparently become invincible. Matt Cassel has been sent to the Double-A Norwood Mud Hens. No 2-1 team will incur more scrutiny this week...and now its Eagles time.

Tears.

What is what i'm bored to when watching the Raiders???

Night.

Early score...

Cutler is trying to make sure I survive with an early passing TD. Raiders are now faced with a tough decision to go for it on 4th and inches, threatening, and very very early in this game. Mike Ditka, compared to Golic and Greenberg, sounds like the Swedish Chef.

Down on bended knee...

Even with a 20-plus penalty game, the inevitable end of this game with the ball in Tarvaris' hands...was him throwing the ball into Atari Bigby's (probably the coolest name ever) hands to end the game for the FIRST TURNOVER OF THE NIGHT. In a game with 20 mistakes, that was shocking. In unrelated news, the Vikings have sent Tarvaris Jackson down to their XFL developmental team, The St. Paul Stoprunningourteamintothegrounds. Nah, nah, the XFL doesn't exist anymore. My bad. Now time for the one team I wanted to win this weekend...BRONCOS. RAIDERS. I have the Broncos in my survival pool this week...let's all pray. Pray for Jay. This just in...ESPN thought it was cool to have every guy named Mike they have under contract announce this game, (Ditka, Golic, Greenberg). The Raiders need to hurry up and lose so I can get some sleep.

Phillies hang on...

Lidge comes back with 2 k's to shut down the Fish for an 8-6 final. I'm down to one game...and the Vikings managed a score to make this maybe a game with 2:29 left. Their run defense is pretty solid, and Minny will need a ridic two minute drive to win this game...with no timeouts, and a glorified oversized wide reciever at the helm of their theoretical offense. Let's watch!

And inches...

Jackson's offense is collapsing around him as the Vikes had to go for it on 4th down after a near interception. 3:13 left for them to put up a surprise. Whoever had them in the Super Bowl this year (and there's more than a few "professionals") will look at this game and say..oops, you need a quarterback and a defense to win a title. Even if they were knocking on the door, and managed to open it, behind it would be Jack Nicholson with an axe called reality. Not this year, not this decade. Meanwhile, The Brad Lidge who became Eric Gagne for a year and then returned to being Brad Lidge is attempting to close down the pesky Marlins in the top of the 9th, but just allowed a double and the tying run is at the plate. Scratch that...on base. Oh boy.

Time is running out.

The Vikings just wasted another opportunity from Jackson's arm on a questionable call and had to punt it away with 8 left in the game, while my Phillies have let most of a Jayson Werth induced 4 run lead disappear and now lead only 8-6. Sox have put it away with masterful pitching...and now I only have to alternate between two games, right up until Broncos v Raiders in about 25 minutes. The Broncos are missing Brandon Marshall, while the Raiders are missing professional football players.

Still good...

The Phillies still cling to a one-run lead, while the Sox have Papelbon in to save a game that will move them within half a game of the AL East lead. Green Bay still leads, and even thought Tarvaris Jackson can't throw a football to save his life, the Vikes are still kinda in this game with about a quarter left. We now run down the last 11 seconds of the third quarter, and the Vikings will take this time to wipe Ron Jaworski's lip prints off of Adrian Peterson's left asscheek.

Number 100!!

My 100th blog post has the Vikes/Pack back from halftime, the Marlins crawled back within one, and Jon Lester fanning his seventh batter in the 7th inning. I'm going to get some chicken.

Pack (lack of) Attack...

Rodgers is starting to wake up a little bit, but just perpetuated an incredible overthrow on a 2nd down out of the end zone. The baseball is starting to get interesting...Rays threatening Lester, and the Phillies now up 5-2. Rays are no longer threatening and Lester looks like a future ace for this ballclub. Flipping around during a triple commercial, I realized that both Olbermann and O'Reilly are showing interviews with Obama tonight. Olbermann was cool and relaxed, and they seem to have a nice rapport. O'Reilly, however, couldn't let Obama get a clean answer in to questions that O'Reilly wanted the answer to pretty adamantly. Pardon the interruption. Later tonight on Fox News...true video evidence that Bill O'Reilly rapes puppies.

Finally.

Phillies run Anal Sanchez from the mound with a 4-2 comeback...and Aaron Rodgers actually threw a touchdown pass to Corey Hall for a 7-3 lead over the Vikes. Lester still cruising. Phillies now up 5-2! It's going good for all my teams tonight, baby. By the way, my E A G L E S are back.

The AP Express.

Marlins have tied it at two with the Phils, Lester is still owning the Rays. Adrian Peterson just ran over Al Harris to the point where Al should call his Allstate agent. He then followed that with a 35 yard shake and bake that had the Vikings being cheered pretty loudly for a road team. He is a manbeast. Seven penalties already in this game which is somewhat ridiculous, mostly mental errors. Back to the Sox/Rays, apparently Rocco Baldelli is alive, and has left his job of head fluffer for Vivid Video to try a return to professional baseball. Vikings lead 3-0.

Yet another first for Rodgers...

His first 4 penalty series! His first 1st and 33! Ron Jaworski says "If they go any further back, they'll be in Michigan." Phils and Sox are out to early leads, Sox with a 3 run first capped by an absolute jack by Jason "Ay Bay" Bay. There is not a more annoying chant than "GO PACK GO". Marlins are threatening the Phils with bases loaded...back in a flash.

Early in the action...

Sox up 1-0 already, Phillies threatening in the first, and Aaron Rodgers has laid a goose egg in his first series as a Packer. No boos from the cheeseheads yet, but I anticipate they will come shortly if another series like that emerges. No word yet from Brett Favre on whether or not he told you so, but he did chime in with a "Na na na boo boo." It's still early, Aaron. Still early.

Start it up...

Anibal Sanchez is charged with taking my Phillies on tonight and we throw Joe Blanton, who kinda looks like his name...I don't know why. Rodgers is ready to go in Green Bay, and the Bosox start tonight a game and a half back of the Rays. They'll go ahead and run Jon Lester out to start the series. Three games at once, I'm out of my tits thinking i'll pay attention to all three. Rodgers kinda looks like a young 70's rock star...like it could've been Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Rodgers. How long until Green Bay fans start rocking Aa-Rod shirts? If he loses tonight, maybe never. Sox are underway with two quick outs. Kickoff and an update shortly, gang.

Jesus walks...off the field under his own power...

Man, that is a depressing photograph. Perhaps more depressing would be a number 8 Patriots "Rattay" jersey that no one will have under their Christmas tree ever. Just waiting for my Phillies and Sox to start up, so stay tuned.

O v a OVA!

Decent speech.

Back to football, the Cardinal and the Beavers have tied it at 17 to make it a decent game that I may watch for more than 30 seconds. And naturally, the Phillies bullpen hates me. They lose, 6-4, even after minimally threatening in the 9th. Sigh. Night, kids.

In the meantime...

Since I will not change this Obama speech, I can't watch any football...but on my mlb.tv the Cubbies have crawled back to within 2 on a Fontenot homerun, so now its 4-2 Phils. Thanks for nothing, Ryan Madson. Hang your head in shame as you walk to the dugout after giving up 3 hits (including the Fontenot smash) and recorded no outs. Bases now loaded. Not anymore. Aramis Ramirez just crushed a 390-foot no-doubter grand slam and the Cubs have the lead. Shoot me.

Keep on Ba-rockin' in a free world...

This motherfucker better win.

Barack-tober!

I'm trying to think of other things you can slide Barack into. I'll give you one now and try to use them in the blog at some point...The Barack-ford Files. Come on, James Garner! What a reference!

We're better than you...and we know it.

Phillies finally run Dempster from the bump with 3 runs in the 6th, Phillies now up 4-1...and in the only game I forgot was on, the Deacons of Demons are runnin' shit vs. the Baylor Bears (number one threat! maybe not.) 20-6. It's now almost time for the main event at the DNC, and i'm not big into politics, but I'm gonna watch this speech. At least, during commercials of sporting events I actually give a shit about. Go Obama. Let's get reaaaaaaaaady to rummmmmmmmmmmmble! I know this is a sports blog, but have you ever seen Barack shoot the J? Deadly. Look at those eyes. He is a fucking man beast in the paint. The Sixers should sign this mofo if he don't win the election.

Old timer.

How good is the SC/NC State game? They haven't mentioned it once yet on the halftime show. I am pretty sure Lou Holtz is clinically insane. He stutters and slurs hard, and really has a problem with hard S sounds. Imagine this face trying to give you sound analysis about collegiate football action. Also, I generally like you, Rece Davis, but you really don't need to tell me that a team has "national title aspirations". Dude, there's like 145 programs that have those also. Meanwhile, Oregon State is close to a score and just took themselves a timeout...if Stanford wants to keep it scoreless, they are going to have to really hunker down...as a team...and stuff those Beavers.

Finally...

The Pats decided to score a touchdown finally, and The South Carolina Pierced Fightin' Gamecocks threw a 3-spot up just to keep me from complaining about a scoreless halftime tie. Why did ESPN lead with this game? It's a 5-7 team vs. a 6-6 team. Meanwhile, on "the Deuce", Oregon State (Beavers) are tied at nothing with the worst named collegiate team ever, the Stanford Cardinal. Just one cardinal. Phillies also decided it was a good time to strand a couple runners and are still clinging to a 1-0 lead over the Cubbieeees. If the moon was made of cheese, would ya eat it? I know I would.

Tough actin', Wolfpackin'.

The Demon Deacons have definitely stepped it up, and its 17-0 over a sad Baylor team...but in the defensive battle of the early season, a MUST WATCH GAME, it's NC State Wolfpack 0, South Carolina Gamecocks 0. I think they are the Gamecocks. That's just unfair. Nearly as unfair is the fact that I have to listen to John Madden on NBC, and watch the Pats still have no score on the board in the third against the reigning (and defending) Super Bowl Champiooooonnnnnnnnn....NEW....YORK...G...G....G....Nah, nah....I still can't say it. Doesn't that picture look like Chris Farley stars in The John Madden Story? with Dan Hedaya as Frank Gifford. Also, the Phillies are stuck at 1-0 with something brewing in the top of the 4th. Watching this game without Philadelphia announcers sucks. The Chicago guys are so listless...it's as if they hope yet another fire would come through and burn what's left of their careers.

What a waste...

My Phillies just blew a nice bases loaded oppurtunity and could only scrape one run off of Dempster with an RBI single from The Flyin Hawaiian, Shane Victorino. They are playing the Cubs, by the way. The NC State/South Carolina football game on ESPN is garbage. Absolute garbage. Georgia Tech is on its way to a nice rout of Jacksonville St. The coolest name in college sports apparently also has the coldest offense...they're up 3 nothing.It's definitely awesome to see football that matters (i.e. collegiate) on TV...that also means gambling season is right around the corner.

Also...

Early into the first quarter of a game I forgot about (Redskins v Jaguars preseason), one guard is already out for the game with a knee sprain. He's not gonna make it to any of the 3847 remaining preseason games, and it is uncertain as to if he will still be alive when the regular season starts. Whoever Woods is on Jacksonville just threw a disgusting block on a Redskins lineman. Meanwhile, the Giants are beating the Pats by two scores. The two college games haven't started yet...and i'm stoking up the mlb.tv right now to check on my Phillies. By the way, is there a cooler college nickname than the Demon Deacons (Wake Forest)?

BREAKING NEWS!

Vin Diesel is apparently still alive, and not, as most of us had believed, the manager of an Arby's in Topeka, Kansas. You can catch him in Babylon A.D., in theatres tomorrow. Remember...you can...but you don't have to. And you probably won't. Sadly, being that no matter what Mr. Diesel does will not change the fact that he is a no talent pussy, the Arby's has recently closed due to "Vin Diesel". As you were.

Let's get it started...

Huge sports day today, starting with Merriman's decision to play, then a big college football night, Pacman Jones reinstated, Phillies v. Cubs, AND the Sox lose to Yanks in walk-off faction. I'll be here allllllllllll night. Warren Sapp is going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Ummmmmmmmmmmm...what? ALSO Barack Obama accepting the Democratic nod this evening...there is TOO MUCH TV on. Too much. Back in a little.

Bronx is Burning...

Yankees are done...their season ended with the Pedroia grand slam last night. Over the fence. Buh bye...bye bye. Hank Steinbrenner cried last night, while raping a baby. When were the Rays gonna finish kidding everyone? If you're a Sox fan you've now got to face the possibility of a Rays/Sox ALCS...if the Sox can make it there. Meanwhile, my Phillies dropped back out of first place last night with a tough loss to the Mets...Delgado beat us alone. Phillies have to be worried about any team with more than one pitcher...We only have one. Jamie Moyer wants to come back next year though! If you're a Phillies phan, you gotta be happy about that...he's like 11-7 right now, right? At the age of 45? Maybe he can collect social security next year, and we can take his salary, go out and get a real ace. Ouch, Jamie. Ouch.

my new toy...

Sox vs. Yankees tonight...wild card implications, since the East is lost. Make sure you watch that, as I will be at work...but tomorrow I will be watching that game at 7:05pm...follow along on sports related, unless i decide to go out drinking, of course. in which case, well...
The coolest thing i've ever owned ever (besides every single episode of Homicide: Life On The Street) is this craziness contraption called a LiveBoard by Vroop. It works by crazy ridiculous BlueTooth technology and displays baseball scores...total, it cost me exactly 5 dollars (parts and labor, you know) but you can get it for the bargain price of around 199.99. if you like the beisbol, i suggest picking one up.
i will be around tomorrow from noon until whenever with up-to-the-minute coverage of SpikeTV's CSI Marathon...

It's all over...

It's over...the Olympics are over. So sad indeed. Where will my inspiration come from? Well, I sarcasm a lot, so it'll most likely come from any random bitching I feel like. Take that, 21st century American society. Next time there's a major sporting event (any sporting event) or any long television program I feel like watching, expect me to blog it out. By the way, I'm not gonna make the obvious Kobe raped Spain jokes. It's okay, Vanessa. That rock on your finger doesn't make either of us respect you in the morning.

The B Team.

The last full day of coverage started out nicely, with the U.S. women winning gold at basketball (Candace Parker makes me want to...do her) but since then, it's all downhill. Canoeing, ping-pong and synchronized swimming. Why do they wait until the last day of full coverage to have the lame sports? Wouldn't you want to close with a bang? BOOM! Soccer, last day. No no no, that would be too good. No one is watching the networks of NBC today. They have disgraced us as a nation.

croatia v greece

Team men's run-and-throw, but Comcast is promising me some baseball! Did any see the heartbreaking softball loss? Terrible. The Japanese pitcher is ridiculous too, she threw TWO games the day before, something like almost 400 pitches and then shut the U.S. down pretty seriously. That's impressive.

Redeem.

The U.S. just polished off Argentina in basketball and is playing for at least a silver medal. That I can get behind. Go American basketball. And now! We are on women's modern pentathlon!! Did you know that show jumping is part of women's modern pentathlon? They give you a random horse, and you have to jump that beast over some fences. Please, if anyone has an explanation as to why that makes any fucking sense...let me know. ASAP.

Really?

Field hockey looks exhausting. Running the whole time, half bent over, the main apparatus is apparently a french cruller...i dont understand the appeal of a sport in which you run around trying to avoid doggystyle sex the entire time. Field hockey wasn't even popular in high school...why is it in the Olympics? I hope foosball is next, or Scrabble.

Ah ha.

Yeah...i gave up for a couple days. Work happens. Let's kick it back off with the Redeem Team against Argentina in what I believe is the Gold Medal game. Again, i didn't watch any Olympics last night so this is new to me...my other option is the 5a-5p block on MSNBC which includes women's pentathlon and bronze medal soccer. By the way, "The Nature" by Talib Kweli ft. Justin Timberlake is a sick song. I'm here till 3 pm today.

Owned.

Craziness. China destroyed Russia in the volleyball quarters to the point where the announcers were calling for the firing of the Russian coach. They were listless and looked amateur at best, and exhausted. China's got some big hitters. I guess in Soviet Russia, ball spikes you. Back for the overnight.

Leryn again.

Yes, believe it or not that's the same chick, man.

MSNBC meanwhile is completely intent on showing the entirety of this volleyball match, which china is now leading 1-0 in sets and 5-4 in the second. Sweet part of volleyball is the team of guys who clean the floor during timeouts with high school janitor style brooms. This is the only thing I can watch right now! It's so unfair. Apparently, men's baseball (U.S. vs. Chinese Taipei) is up shortly...one can only dream.

Crush list update.

I'm really trying to expand on my Olympic crush list to replace the now manly LoLo Jones, but the talent out there is not great. But fear not, after minimal research and a little time spent on Google, i have managed to find...that's right...a Paraguayan javelinist named Leryn Franco. Enjoy her, while I enjoy this still close China v. Russia matchup in women's whyarenttheyonthebeachohitsbecausetheyarehugeball.

China will settle.

The Chinese dissapointment of the Mortal Kombat guy has really disoriented China as a nation, according to the announcers of this China v. Russia women's volleyball match. It is now apparently the medal that China wants to bring home the most, because they are defending champions. These announcers are also letting us know, in case you were wondering, the names of these ladies' husbands. Pertinent info, considering quite a few of them look like men themselves. Close match, though, and that's all you can ask these hombres to deliver.

Lucky me!

Just fortunate enough to check out a heated water polo battle between the women of Australia and U.S.A....I got a little Olympicked out this morning but i'm back for a couple hours before work. This early afternoon is weightlifting for the time being...and that's not exciting to watch. Here till 2:30.

Pack it in...

Gonna call it a night, back in the morning. I'll leave you with this tidbit...there is men's field hockey. For men. No lacrosse, though.

Until 11am, kids....

Slim pickings...

About 210 AM here in the East, and prime-time replay is on NBC...i've seen all this stuff tonight, so i'm headed over to a China v. China womens beach dreamyball match on the 2a-12noon block on USA. The Comcast (It's Comcastic) info promises Candace Parker, table tennis, women's swim-and-throw, and cycling. Screw all that...i'm all about the LIVE FLATWATER CANOEING! Too bad the replay of the Daily Show is a re-run. At two-thirty if this junk is still on, i'm gonna hang out on the Cartoon Network for an hour of Family Guy. Meanwhile, between points in beach whyisntkerriwalshreturningmyemailsball, the spectators are treated to traditional Chinese party anthems like "Whoop! There It Is!" and "Song 2" by Blur. WHOOHOO.

...and here are the people...

Prime-time coverage has switched from diving to one of my absolute favorite events...3000M Steeplechase. 3 foot hurdles that don't fall over if you run into them, and every now and again, because why not, a water pit. The only way you could make this event better...add one alligator. My only problem with this event is the total futility...not one Olympic champion has ever caught the mysterious steeple, and it's whereabouts are unknown.

Late night dilemma...

So my options now, in what can only be described as The Ambiguously Gay Duo...mens springboard diving, and wrestling. I don't understand the scoring in wrestling, so someone please try to help me out with that. Our expert announce team's analyst lets us know that "This guy is really going to have to find a way to score a point here." Wow, he must get all the inside info. Apparently, the US guy has lived in about 45 of the 48 contiguous states, and the opponent is from Georgia, which was just invaded by Russia. They destroyed almost everything...somehow, Julio Franco made it out alive.

Correction...

After further review, Stevie B found some pictures of our old friend LoLo Jones where she "be lookin like Reggie Miller" and would now no longer like to do her, even if it is...that's right...on the lo lo. You be the judge. A sad turn of events in these annals. By the way, her super original website can be found at runlolorun.com. Nice.

Brutal.

Super tough break for Nastia Liukin on the uneven bars tonight. Crazy math, fuzzy even. I don't know if any of you were lucky enough in the aftermath to catch Bela Karolyi's crazy speak about the scoring system. Bob Costas helped out all he could but he couldn't steer Bela's anger back to anything understandable. I think Bela's english has it's own Rosetta Stone software.

Local news??? Lame.

Prime time is on break, so so am I...sorry man...I really don't want to watch either table tennis or weightlifting. See ya at 12:35.

We rejoin pole vaulting...

The U.S. chick won silver and uhhhh...her coach basically told her she wasn't good enough to wipe his ass. Jenn Stuczynski. I'm sorry about your silver. He then smacked her right in the face on national television, and wiped his dick in her hair. She's actually taller than him. She should just kick him in his mini-testicles.

A closer look...

Turns out that Russian pole vaulter kinda looks like a dude. Good thing I didn't go public with that, huh?

It kinda sucks to watch gymnastics when the results are already decided...the announcers really degrade the people who haven't gone yet. "She's not gonna have enough to challenge China....she's a terrible terrible gymnast. Terrible. And also, no one likes her, at all."

Hot pole action...

I wonder who invented pole vault...strange, right? Meanwhile, the Russian pole vaulter is TINY. She's going to have to be satisfied to go back to her thimble with a Bronze. More to come on the other Russian...who's name I couldn't figure out because it's Russian...coming up shortly...

this exchange with Stevie B on the afore-mentioned LoLo Jones...

Stevie B: i like it
Stevie B: especially if shes an underdog
Stevie B: and wins
Stevie B: cuz she will have won, on the lo lo.
Stevie B: id definately do her on the lolo.

Classic.

Iron cross.

You gotta respect the guys that do still rings, man. Their muscle definition is ridiculous and the control necessary to this shit is definitely impressive. Look at the arm on this guy. Holy shit. Doesn't that just make you feel fucking lazy?

The Gay returns...

The Gay : Is that Tim Daggett??

Kamil : Yeah...

The Gay: He looks so young! He's been doing this for like, ever!

Kamil: I feel like he's sixty years old.

The Gay: We used to call him Tim Faggot!

Overheard at the Women's Trampoline finals...

"And Cockburn wins the Silver!"

Seriously, her last name was Cockburn.

Trampoline!

Women's trampoline finals!!!! It's kinda fast paced, so you can't really announce what they are doing until afterwards, so you get a real nice life story on how they became trampoliners. I assume they all "were in their backyard one day and liked to go bouncy bouncy."

May and Walsh...

Over. 107 matches straight, they're in the Gold Medal game. Brazil had no shot. Hopefully something equally entertaining is on next...

Steve has arrived

Stevie B: you and your fellow real americans can continue to care about shitty sports while i'll choose only to watch and care about entertaining sports

OlympicKamil: but the lame sports are so bad they're funny to watch

Stevie B: well....thats fair enough

OlympicKamil: i mean, mens run-and-throw (handball) is great

Stevie B: plus womens beach volleyball is fun no matter what the circumstances

Sandy...

Misty and Kerri are putting a solid whooping on a poor starved Brazilian team. I assume they are starved anyway...I think Kerri is taller than both of them stacked on top of each other. Meanwhile, my fantasy football draft is starting and I got hosed with pick number 7. Ugh. Another 4th place out of the money finish this year for me.

Another quick break...

Took a few minutes to watch Keith Olbermann serve John McCain on his conflicting statements in his campaign...this is a bigger beatdown than the China boxing match I watched earlier. If you want in, check out msnbc.com later on and peep the Countdown With Keith Olbermann page. He's very liberal. If you're in a red state, well...how did you figure out how to use a computer?

Ray Ray Ray part deux...

(8:26:47 PM) verbaltb: Did you see the sweede who fell just now on the hurdles?
(8:27:13 PM) OlympicKamil: yeah that was fucked
(8:27:55 PM) verbaltb: I only bring her up because she had a great ass

A contribution from Ray Ray Ray

(8:22:54 PM) OlympicKamil: there's a hurdler named LoLo Jones, hahaha
(8:23:40 PM) verbaltb: That poor child



She's pretty hot...but just hearing Tom Hammond keep saying "LoLo Jones" is too funny. She sounds like someone they tell you to be on the look out for on the news because she stole her baby or something.

She is now third on my crush list, with Cristiane still in first, and Marian Dalmy in second. Alicia Sacramone may get back in my good graces if she can do well this evening.

Liu Xiang.

This poor guy man, NBC keeps showing his collapse from last night. Do they really need to show it this many times? I've seen it three already. They are just rubbing it in his face at this point. What we lack to China in gold medals, we are making up for it in absence of dignity. Unfortunately, Liu will have wait 3 months for that achilles to heal, before he can make it back to Mortal Kombat. Or was that Liu Kang? Oh, my bad.

Eight oclock, ready to go.

Abby brought me sushi!

Boxing till 8.

Back just in time to watch an enormous Chinese guy destroying a not-as-large Kazhakstani gentleman. He's about to get mercy ruled. If you're up by ten points in boxing, mercy rule is in effect, and you win automatically. Yet another tweak from the regular sport in international competition. Poor little blue guy...no chance for this fucker. Bye bye, Kazhakstan!

Real quick...

Revenge of revenge...Chinese pitcher decided to nail another U.S. batter...right in the dome. Welcome to Revengeville, Matt LaPorta. How many fingers is China holding up? Just one.

Break it up.

Gonna take a little break before my hand falls off. By the way, another interesting baseball tidbit. There's a mercy rule in the Olympics. A mercy rule. In an adult men's sport. They're also required to wear Jimmy Choo heels and matching finger and toe nail polish. Get a clue, Olympics.

Back at 7.

Ouch.

Schierholtz (USA player) just threw a dirty body check on the afore-mentioned Yang Yang in a sweet collision at the plate. In their defense, the Chinese pitching can't seem to find the plate, as they've hit 5 batters. Welcome to Revengeville. Population...you, China. You.

Yes.

Finally, the grand old sport of baseball. Little known fact: In Olympic baseball, if it's tied into the eleventh inning, you get to start the inning with WHOEVER YOU WANT batting, and a man on 2nd a man on 3rd. Right now China is getting beasted 4-0 by the U.S. and our pitcher looks like Wolverine's stunt double.

By the way, Yang Yang was just replaced by Wong Wei. Really.

Water polo, still.

This is actually a pretty tight game...4-4 and there's six minutes left. Apparently these guys have been dreaming of a medal (Australia), and the team standing (well...swimming...or treading...floating wildly, really) in their way is Montenegro, which literally translated means "mountain of black people".

Water polo.

Ummmmm...yeah that pretty much says it all...i think i'm pretty much screwed until live action starts at 8.

Fun fact.

Micheal Phelps has more individual medals (14 golds and two bronze) in two combined Olympics than almost 60 countries have all-time, all Olympics combined. Step it up, Chinese Taipei. Or stick to something you're good at, which is kicking the US' ass at the LLWS.

Meanwhile it seems like the Americans are struggling pretty badly against Brazil in dreamyball. I think i jinxed them.

Good Morning, Morocco!

Welcome to the Hall of We Shouldn't Have Shown Up Fame! Also known as the One Bronze Club. They got theirs in the Women's 800m race. Way to go.

Spoke too soon.

Looks like the USA has dropped this set. 1-0 Brazil. It took all the Brazilians willpower not to start kicking the ball. "Oh...hands are legal in this sport?"

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Another commercial break and I switched over to CSI: Miami on A&E...and let me just say these guys are really starting to catch up with HBO on their original programming. Intervention and the First 48 are shockingly amazing and awful simultaneously, and The Two Coreys, well....you're gonna have to figure that out on your own. I am looking forward to Jacked though...auto theft rings CRUSHED. Meanwhile, commercial is over, and its back to mens beach dreamyball, with the U.S. facing a Brazilian powerhouse team. I think. To hear the announcers tell it, every team is a powerhouse.

Ricardo/Emanuel are the Brazilian team, and Emanuel caught a knee to his knee and is down. It's okay folks, he's a gamer. 35 years young. Rub some sand on it, old-timer. Get back up there and represent your country in what will obviously be an eventual loss to team USA. Gibb/Rosenthal (the Americans) meanwhile, are pretty solid. According to the announcer, Rosenthal is incredible talented and a great athlete, and Gibb is just happy that no one thinks he's in the Bee Gees.

Cheater.

So i am cheating a bit and i've flipped over to Little League World Series on ESPN. A summer with LLWS and Olympics at the same time is pretty much the coolest thing ever. LLWS is without question my favorite sporting event. We just need to do something about Orestes Distrade announcing...he is the Mark Schlereth of baseball. Mark Schlereth, by the way is the "I collected rings without playing a real position analyst" of NFL football on ESPN. Then again...I never played a sport professionally...except stickball.

Return to action...

MSNBC has DOUBLED my pleasure with doubles table tennis. You must be pretty low on the announcer scale if you have to announce for table tennis. I think this guy is an ESPN hockey announcer too.

Man...

I got nothing over here. It's either Belarusian weightlifting or mens 3m springboard...time for a lunch break. I'm in the 5-5 block on MSNBC. I'm now being promised table tennis...and they are delivering! This is for the copper medal...

By the way, Alicia Sacramone is still hot...she just betrayed America. That's all.

Also, would you REALLY buy the Opening Ceremony on DVD? It was like eleventy billion hours long! I don't have the shelf space for a take home 32-disc Collector's Edition DVD set, thank you very much. just 30 bucks though...so that's a steal, I guess. Time for a break.

Diving right in...

I am super jealous of the bodies on these divers, man...lean and trim...and diving is pretty legit, that shit is hard. Meanwhile on MSNBC, i've got a solid snatch competition...and yes, there is announcing for weightlifting. And that announcer...just said..."What a pull out!"Oh boy.

Coolest commercials...

Hands down...number one is the Morgan Freeman VISA commercial when the guy needs to be helped across the finish line by his dad. A close second is the Nike one with "All These Things That I've Done" playing in the background and the guy with the sick paddles is sprinting at the end.

Crushing.

I have now developed a crush on Cristiane, the Brazilian soccer player...for anyone keeping score, she is now slightly in the lead over Marian Dalmy (pictured earlier). Alicia Sacramone was my pre-Olympic crush favorite but...she betrayed America by falling off the beam last week. Traitor. Tonight in prime-time, by the way, i get women's gymnastics single apparatus finals and also May-Trainor/Walsh in the semis of womens beach kerriwalshissuperhotball.

Ohhhhhh.

I'm now being told that this is handball. This is a sport? Meanwhile, Emma Snowsill of Australia wins womens triathlon. I think there should be qualifying heats in that sport...and every Olympian should enter. Maybe then we wouldn't be stuck with handball. And aren't they broadcasting sports online this year?? How did handball make it to real television?

International battle...

Poland vs. France...at what can only be described as...soccer sized nets with water polo style playing...so...ummm....land polo? These are the slim pickings i've been reduced to. Man I cant wait until primetime.

My bad...

Back on the U.S.A. network and a SWEET bike crash in what I thought was women's road race, and turns out to be triathlon. A broken ankle AND broken arm sustained in this race...that's kinda sad. Your whole Olympics is over. I guess people will do anything to get out of a commitment.

The answer.

Yes, the Olympics are more exciting on TELEMUNDO!!!!!! If only they put some maracas in the background of the Olympic theme...

Conversation with Abby...

Abby: So what have you learned?

Me: Nothing really...

Abby: You know what I learned? That all women's handball players look like lesbians.

Kickin' around...

The U.S. women are putting the button on a nice soccer rout over Japan.....by allowing a goal in injury time. Pretty interesting goal, it nailed the pipe twice. Arakawa (Japan No. 9) has a SICK afro. Did you know that the U.S. team has a chick who's last name is Boxx? I'm also a little mad that the U.S. left Marian Dalmy at home....

The Gay: Part Two.

Big props to The Gay (the official campaign finance manager of the Olympic Kamil Blog) to waking me up this morning and dragging me out the morass that is live televised soccer...

The Gay: We have sponsors knocking down our door!

Me: Okay, get them in here, and while we're at it, let's up the budget from zero to zero.

Finally.

Oh thank god...a new option...womens road race (bike). Complete with replays? Do I need a replay? "And look at how she is STILL pedaling!" At least they go thorugh the stadium, which is kind of cool. By the way, China built EIGHT stadiums/venues that will be completely destroyed after the Olympics are over. Show-offs. Can we do that with Giants Stadium?

Abby said hi! Hi!

Damn you, NBC.

I was psyched, watching the mens 200m qualifiers...but now they are changing to mens dreamyball...not even beach dreamyball! This is a not a good way to start off the day. I'm changing to the Colbert Report.

The overnight.

So I went ahead and napped from 5am to now because the USA Network decided to show soccer all night long and there was no I was staying awake. Womens soccer I'm back on the grind now though, and still reachable at OlympicKamil on your AOL instant messenger. Right now i'm watching some track, and also, field.

time for the nap.

I have now been forced to choose between womens soccer and field hockey (inherently womens, of course). Time for a break, back around 11am/noon EST. Come on. Did you REALLY think i'd make it 24 hours straight?

Well then...

I'm a twelfth of the way there (two hours in) and i can damn sure guarantee that twenty-four straight hours will not happen....

Especially if I have to suffer through sports that we as a country suck at like the rowing that i've had to watch for the past 20 minutes. Oh, is anything else on? Yes. Women's soccer. Again, the point is to NOT sleep.

Men's rowing again...

The Germans won the mens "two-to-a-boat" race, with faces that said "The next race we conquer will be one of an entire people, and not of boats."

I have Jewish friends. Promise.

The K4.

Women's 4-to-a-boat rowing.

Those bitches are JACKED.

Sadly enough, my only other option at 5:42am (EST) is, as mentioned earlier, mens beach dreamyball...and uh....i'm no fag. But i'm sure Jon will chime in his opinion later on.

Also expect a special guest appearance by Mr. Steven Thomas Brennan sometime in the near future.

Correction.

Apparently, Uzbekistan has two medals (one silver, one bronze) in judo.

My bad, Uzbekistan. I'm sorry I didn't assume your country had fast feet, and only assumed they had fast pink tacos.

Hahahaha...

"The German women...they know what they're doing when they put 4 women in a kayak."

Speaking of which...

What country do YOU think has the fastest vaginas? And what constitutes a fast vagina? Feel free to IM me and clue me in. I think Uzbekistan has it on lock. Do they have a medal yet?

Simultaneous.

So there is currently mens beach volleyball, however, I can also watch mens solo shell (rowing). The idea is not to sleep. Thanks "The Netwoks of NBC". Are you showing anything on Oxygen? Maybe womens vagina racing?

The first contribution from The Gay.

Me: I'm stuck watching mens beach volleyball.

The Gay: Yeah, but what about their bodies?

Just happy to be nominated...

Good for you, Togo. Congrats on your solo bronze medal.

(P.S. The same goes for the nations of
Argentina
Lithuania
Tajikstan
Mexico
Egypt)

Good for you. Whenever you're ready athletically to join the rest of the fucking Earth, please give the Olympics a call and maybe you can host skeet shooting one day.

I would rather have no medals than one bronze. Please...any athlete in these six nations...get out of the cellar before my blog ends, or you will singlehandedly have to claim a Jihad against my small apartment.

The Greatest Olympian Ever.

I am now between programs with four minutes until my 12 hour USA Network block, so I will address my opinion about the best Olympic athlete of all time.

Sadly, The Olympics are about sports, and swimming is not a sport. Sorry kids. It's not. Can you call anyone a great defensive swimmer? Nope, that's because it's not a sport. Sorry.

However, true athletes transcend sports...which makes Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian of all time. Here's why, and I will also give you alternate arguments, other than the obvious.

One argument i've heard is that "Swimming gives out medals like crazy". I've also heard the person that claimed this say that Carl Lewis is the greatest Olympian ever.

First of all, Carl Lewis was under the banner of "track and field". And they give out a FUCKton of medals. He also has less TOTAL medals than Phelps has GOLD medals. Get on that, fuckfaces.

I can't waste all my material on this argument. More on that coming up. Right now...men's beach dreamyball on USA.

Ato Boldon.

Okay so, the Chinese guy had a huge achilles injury and that was it for him. There was a false start and that hurt him enough to be out of the Olympics forever. There is now a shot of him crying with his entire foot buried in a block of ice.

Having said that, Ato Boldon.

Have you ever heard of Dave Stewart? He was a hulking and menacing dark dark African-American pitcher for the Oakland Athletics in the (i want to say) late eighties, early nineties...however, it turns out he has the voice of Tinkerbell.

That's how I feel about Ato Boldon.

The Impetus.

Alright kids, here's how it boils down.

I started four hours late. But that's okay, I was drinking.

I will watch the Olympics until tomorrow night at midnight. I am not biased as to what coverage is on, I will just watch what is being shown, and will comment on it as such.

I did not watch a minute of Olympic coverage until tonight at 4AM.


Oh shit, mens 110m hurdles live, and the Chinese guy is in huge pain, but is still the favorite. This is live. Back in a few.

Jamaica Wins The Women's 100m.

Just to clarify...I did not watch any Olympic coverage on Sunday, nor did I see any results about any events that happened on Sunday. All this coverage is the first i've seen of it.

That being said, what is Jamaica running from? Is America that bad? I've heard we are pretty sweet. And speaking of running, did anyone watch women's marathon yesterday? The chick who won took like nine victory laps. Didn't you run enough? She was running victory laps while the chicks she beat were running their final laps. That's a little cocky, no? I guess being awesome at running a large distance is totally worth not having any tits.

medal count

So America has crawled to within 4 of the Chinese for the lead in the total medal count.

I just heard the track replay announcer say "There is not a better big meet performer." Say that out loud to yourself. Also, according to him, every woman in this race is the favorite.

Late start.

Gimme a break.

4 AM. I'm starting with a replay of the women's 100M track final. Lord have mercy, these Jamaicans are going to destroy the rest of the world in running. Did they run the marathon in 9.94 seconds? I feel like they could have. By the way, Usain Bolt is not a man, myth, or legend...he is, apparently, a Jesus creature.


This is needed for statistics tracking.