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Arash about Scalabrine: "Look at those titties!"

Both teams playing a litttttle sloppy. Brian Shaw looks like he can still ball! He's like twelve years old.

Derek Fisher needs to retire that ugly jumper.

This just in....Bynum hurt himself being introduced. Kobe has the Kevin Hart "you just ate some ass" face.

Jeffrey Osborne kicks off our Finals coverage. He looks....uhhhhh....alive.

the experts say...

WAIT...

Jack...

Alls Wells that ends Wells...

Dead early.

Papi struggle-gate.

Ouch.

Nothing really to blog about yet, i guess....hmmmm...

OPEN.

Check out Lebron up there. Can't see shit. Sportscenter, though, needs to chill with the coverage of his abysmal collapse...they are making it seem like the entire world is over because he had a bad game. It's not, and i'm sure he comes back gangbusters in game six. So everyone calm down, 2012 isn't actually happening with this breaking news...Lebron James is human.

Ummmm...

Can we talk about the Chad Ochocinco Reebok commercial? Those shoes look like lasagna. I don't think lasagna is very supportive. This just in...its not. Two games at halftime and the other two are blowouts. Yoink.

Back in the game...

After a 5 game undefeated streak by Ray Ray Ray and myself, we're back to watching the night games, and are faced with a Duke blowout, a Zags blowout, an OK state roll, and Mich. St moving. Nothing exciting yet. Its because I'm watching. That's why. When the best game is Ga. Tech and Ok. State, its slim pickings. Back in a few.

Breaktime.

Its way too nice in Boston to not go outside for a little bit. So that's where we'll be, til about 630 or 7 oclock. Its a Friday night, so I don't expect anyone to be reading this at that point...so uhhhh...your mother is a whore. Yeah, I said it. We're gonna play some cornhole. Jealousy never wins.

Day two, halftime.

Wofford just lost on a turnover, ruining yet another pick of mine today. Still 4.2 left, but lets be serious...you're Wofford. I'm pretty sure they won the "Made-Up University Conference", and their main competition is like...DeVry and UTI and...Retts Technical Center and...Blaine...and University of Phoenix. Those teams have blind kids. I'm serious!

Good games, finally...

Wofford came out like gangbusters to catch up with the Badgers...one minute left in Siena/Purdue and its tight, Siena down by three but I did NOT PICK THEM so they will probably win.

Buffalo battle...

Sadly, the best game (score-wise) is a terrible game (play-wise). Neither Clemson or Mizzou can take charge, and its not defensive, it's sloppy basketball. And sorry, CBS, i'm not going to watching Miami Medical, whether or not there's a brother of a Gooding on it. He's a wild and crazy kid!!!

GUS!

The excitement of Gus Johnson GIVES ME AN ERECTION.

Ray Ray Ray...

Ray's left to right judging of the Clemson cheerleaders: "No, yes, no, no, yes, no, maybe...I could only see half of her face."

Early.

Early in the afternoon games and they are all close. That means its almost cornhole time at the Powerhouse. BOOM!

DAGGER.

Yep...Xavier with a three from Crawford inside forty seconds, and all three day games are effectively over. Great, no close games so far, and I lost one. 2-1 on the day, better b-ball to come...i hope.

Three point play.

Temple HAS NOT ATTEMPTED a 3-ball this entire half and we are almost ten minutes through. They are shooting something like 60 percent or a little more but NO THREE ATTEMPTS. What a shock...they are now facing their largest deficit of the game, and with ten minutes to go, it looks like Cornell can be crowned Cinderella.

Clark Kellogg...seriously....2

"Whitman is gonna catch it, and stroke it!!"

Whitman on fire...

Whitman for the Big Red nailing threes, Cornell comes out extra hot in the second half. Temple is trying to answer but are only hitting twos. A 5-12 matchup would be a mathematical upset, but Temple is NOT playing like a 5 right now. Cornell is shooting like a 3. Owls need to cool this Whitman cat down. There he is...he's the white guy. GO GET HIM!

Unwatchable game number 1.

WVU v. Morgan State has become unwatchable. Morgan State is playing like...well...they are playing like Morgan State. I think the Nets might have some competition. JUST KIDDING!!! I'm sorry, i'm sorry...the Nets are no competition for Morgan State. Morgan State would beast them.

Half and half and half...

All games at halftime, with everyone's pretty upset pick, the Big Red of Cornell heading into the tunnel up 8 against the A10 champs. No one could take their lips off Temple's ass through that tournament, then those same experts pick against them IMMEDIATELY...and with good reason; Temple is fouling too much and playing rather sloppily...Cornell (except for Foote, aka Travelocity) is playing tight and responding well to even Temple's temporary half court press. West Virginia has returned to destroy Morgan State. Poor Morgan, a whole college named after you and all these Mountaineers come out of nowhere to rape your entire bball squad.

Fading fast...

Morgan St. was looking good for a hot minute, but the world has returned to its axis because WVU is back up big at the half. Dear Micheal Eric, of Temple...way to bounce the ball into your own face out of frustration. Yall are down by 9...keep the dribbling to the court area. Then put the ball in the hoop. It's pretty simple, Micheal.

Clark Kellogg...seriously....

Add this to the homoerotic announcing trend this year. "I've always been a fan of, if you can get a hand on it, squeeze it! Don't tap it, grab it yourself!" Ray: "It's like Shakespeare".

Temple....

Nooooootttt coming out as hot as I would hope, and assuring my fears of a hometown upset early on. I think we all know how I feel about Clark Kellogg...i'm just plain sick of him, and he's announcing this game. He's never quite excited enough, he just gets louder. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!!!

Maury...

Me and Ray Ray Ray agree that Maury is better than CBS College Sports Network's current pregame coverage. There's a guy denying a chick is his daughter because "I CAN'T MAKE GIRLS!!!" Ray Ray Ray: "That only happens with like...reptiles." Classic.

Day Two!!!!

Alright kids...its day two. My bracket looks TERRIBLE. Just fucking terrible. 10-6 yesterday, and the six includes TWO teams I had in the sweet 16 (Marquette and Georgetown who DID NOT SHOW UP). I DID manage to pick UNI and Old Dominion, thank god. They have me above five-hundred for day one. Here are day two's picks (upsets in CAPS): Michigan State, Maryland, GEORGIA TECH, Ohio State, 'Cuse, Gonzaga, Xavier, Pitt, WOFFORD, New Mexico, MIZZOU, West Virginia, Duke, LOUISVILLE, Texas A&M, Purdue. Look at the agony on Monroe's face. That was me yesterday. You fucking asshole. You didn't want it. TAKE CHARGE, BIG FELLA. More to come.

Frozen in time...

Why has Sandra Bullock looked exactly the same for the past 20 years? She was in the Net. Hah. The Net. The chick from the Net has an Oscar.

Oops!

Due to a DVR snafu, I missed Colin Farrell introduce Jeremy Renner, but it was probably like "Hey, ummm...I'm drunk...I was in S.W.A.T. with Jeremy Renner...uhhhh....That movie sucked."

Number three!!

Fisher Stevens (the guy who was the villain in Hackers) now has an Oscar...he would be behind Three 6 Mafia and MoNique. Three 6 Mafia is definitely the number one person, place, or thing that has an Oscar that probably shouldn't.

Where was Farrah?

I don't think they included Fawcett in the retrospective of people we forgot died last year. Good thing they got Brittany Murphy in there though. What's up with J-Lo's dress? There's an end table under there, or her ass has grown to the side. IT'S TO THE SIDE. LM: "Why is she faking her Puerto Rican accent??"

Shocking...

I'm kinda surprised Cameron didn't make his wife dress up like a Na'vi. Demi Moore is retarded. She found the fountain of youth in Cocoon, or she's been sliced more than Domino's Pizza.

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW!

When they take a not so super famous actress that's somewhat attractive, throw her in the nerd closet with 90 dudes who are all getting Oscars but can't stop gawking at Elizabeth Banks (this year)...also known as the Scientific/Technical awards, or as the first time most of those dudes left their mother's basements in 46 years.

Dear Kristen Stewart...

Maybe ou should try being alive when you read the prompter. You slept your way through your entire speech. I don't wanna take you out of your comfort zone, but you know....maybe...uhhh...what's the word....act...yeah. Act like you wanna be up there. Action!

Add her to the list...

Monique is right behind Three 6 Mafia on my two person list of People I Would Never Ever Expect to win an Oscar.

Pooh bear...

While the guy wins for Adapted Screenplay: "Oooh, let's show every black person in the crowd." - Lauren Mollomo

R.I.P. to a familiar face...

Ladies and gentlemen, today, at approximately 3:30pm pacific time, Zoe Saldana murdered and and skinned lovable children's McDonald's character Grimace. She then took his skin and fashioned it into the ugliest dress I ever wished I was colorblind for. Once again, Grimace...dead tonight, and fashioned...into eveningwear.

THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

Is Matthew Broderick that small or is Molly Ringwald nineteen feet tall? She looks like redheaded Chyna. I think she had two sex changes, one to man, then a botched one back to woman. I am glad she took time off from her absolutely nothing at all to make an appearance. Same with Judd Nelson who looked like absolute shit. He looks like he's having the drug sweats.

Grosssssss...

Amanda Seyfried looks like a bug.

Bounty Hunter.

Someone needs to shoot Jennifer Aniston. Add The Bounty Hunter to my list of Movies I Can't Wait to not See. Gerard Butler is pulling a Ryan Leaf too, awesome in 300, and now pulling this fecal matter out of his ass. That movie is destined for a 7th place opening. If it opens higher than third, I will eat this computer. UP wins best animated feature, which I'm in favor of, because it's one of the two Oscar nominated films I actually saw this year. Did I mention that Avatar sucks?

Woody.

Woody Harrelson's mustache is a little creepy in the Messenger. He's really lining himself for the title role in Stone Cold Steve Austin's biopic. They'll make one. Guaranteed.

Oscars are cool.

Yeah, not bad this year. I'm like half an hour behind though, nobody ruin this for me. I really don't hope this turns into an Avatar ass-kiss-fest. Terrible film. Martin+Baldwin are decently funny.

Lebron James, Tin Cup, and the reason we don't watch the NHL.

Do not tell me that Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are the second coming. Or the savior. Or the reason you or I should watch the NHL.

Actually, tell me that. Tell me about their rivalry, tell me about how The Kid is the Golden Child and Ovechkin is hated nationwide (the hockey watching nation, at least), tell me about their stats. Tell me how Ovech won't win a Stanley Cup in a city that cares, because most of those cities are in AMERICA.

You'd have to tell me, because I would never know, until Thursday night.

On Thursday night, the two biggest hockey players in the world faced off, and simultaneously, the two best basketball players on the planet faced off. I can NOT GET AWAY from highlights of Kobe vs. Lebron, because they are everywhere. ESPN acted as if it was Goliath vs. Goliath. Fuck David. That game went to the wire and went there well, Lebron eeking out a W and Kobe left ass-kissing while Pau Gasol, my favorite European porn star, collapsed down the stretch and led the Lakers out of Quicken with a deadly start to an 8-game road trip.

Meanwhile, Ovechkin vs. Crosby was a matchup of young budding stars who....ummm...scored goals and uhhhh...passed the puck to their teammates and uhhh...did other hockey-related things.

If you want to watch the NHL, and its not your local team, you either go to Versus, or Center Ice, the Sunday Ticket of the National Hockey League, which I'm pretty sure no one that isn't married to a hockey player, or has a Rob Corddry-Ed Monix obsession with either player (10 points for that Semi-Pro reference, you're welcome), has purchased this decade, or last decade, or since its inception.

Well I don't have that unhealthy obsession, so I don't have Center Ice. And neither the Pens nor the Caps are my local six, so I was not able to see that game. I had the Bruins tonight, and the Association managed to get their marquee players on a decent, nationally available cable network for the masses to witness. However, when I, as anyone with a FUCKING BRAIN would, assumed that the National Hockey League would get Washington vs. Pittsburgh onto Versus for the said masses to see, I clicked over and was faced with Tin Fucking Cup.

Tin Cup is a passable sports movie. At THE VERY LEAST, I legitimately feel that Don Johnson and Kevin Costner are golfers DURING THE GOLF SCENES. Rene Russo doesn't look THAT terrible. Cheech is Cheech, which is a win-win, ninety percent of the time. I enjoy the movie.

It's fifteen goddamn years old. You have the BEST matchup in hockey TODAY, with two teams, who as their records state, really are not that bad at all. Center stage, you have it on Versus. You are NOT going to beat TNT's ratings, even if that game IS on television. And that's fine. I don't even watch hockey! And that's fine. I don't watch golf, but I watch the Masters, and I don't watch tennis, but I wake up EARLY AS SHIT to watch Wimbledon. After all the hype, all the press behind these two undoubtedly talented athletes, best at what they do in the WORLD, the NHL could not SOMEHOW get Versus to show that game instead a movie that is sports related. It's not Raging fucking Bull, it's not Rocky or Rudy, it's not Hoosiers, and hell, it's not even Varsity Blues, and its barely even Summer Catch. It's Tin Cup. A movie that was on TNT once a week for about 9 years, and a movie that no one will say they were proud to watch on a Thursday night when two eventual legends faced off.

The NHL blew a MAJOR chance tonight. Get off the Winter Classic high. That is ONE GAME A YEAR that everyone sees, your playoffs are still on minor cable networks, and no one that isn't from the city that wins cares that anyone wins the Cup. Boston wouldn't even set off fireworks if the Bruins won. But a chick GOT KILLED when the Sox won A LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES in 2004. Someone was RUN OVER WITH A CAR when the Pats won their first of three Super Bowls, and I DAMN sure saw fireworks and broken windows when the C's won their title two summers ago. I'm from Philly and we will light shit on fire for almost anything. We boo Santa Claus. Unless he's at an NHL All-Star Game, because that shit will be on Fine Living Network, and no one will see it because it will be pre-empted by Emeril Live reruns.

NHL. Get your shit together. Now. I kinda like hockey. Kinda. But I kinda know a lot of people who kinda don't give a shit, and you're kinda giving them a million reasons to kinda not watch. The way you're heading, the "four major sports" idiom will be quickly changed to include basketball, baseball, football, and The Bachelor: Tiger Woods' New Nanny Edition. And I would have loved to click between Cavs/Lakers and Pens/Caps tonight. I would love to watch hockey...but hockey...you're making it impossible.