I made it nine hours!

Nine hours is pretty solid, so i'm gonna call it a day. No one in the sporting events i'm watching feels like scoring. It's kind of annoying. All done, gang.

This...doesn't make sense.

Quite a few people I know would probably say that Megan Fox is pretty hot, right? Right. Okay, she's pretty good looking. So here's the question. Why are you going to put her in a movie in which her eyes bug out of her head, and she has fucking Mortal Kombat teeth? Where is the sense? I'm not saying i'm NOT going to see that movie BECAUSE she's not hot in it...I'm not going to see it because its clearly going to be absolutely terrible. I'm guessing its gonna be some From Dusk Till Dawn shit. She walks around naked for like 38 minutes, then she starts biting off puppies balls and eating baby spines. BABALITY, bitch.

Not VERY exciting.

Phils up one, aint no big deal, Bears and Packers tied. Might give it up soon.

Music+NFL = usually garbage.

Why do I have to wait for Faith Hill to finish singing some shitty song before I can watch football? She's wearing some extremely diesel tight high super whore boots. I guess they are pretty hot. But still, football can be played without her singing. This is NOT HALFTIME OF THE SUPER BOWL. Fox and CBS don't do that shit. Monday Night Football. That's the only time I want to hear singing before a game. Seriously. Check those Phillies out, Rollins on in the bottom of the first with the Hawaiian at the dish.

Vote for Pedro.

The Second Coming of P. Martinez is underway in Philly...Pedro K's Wright for out number two in the top of the first. It's gotta be the hair, Cotton. Curled and beautiful. You just don't see it anymore. The Mets are blinded by the Soul Glo. Feelin' oh-so-silky smooooooooooooth.

Onside time...

We now await an onside kick from Washington, who's rockin some too little too late. Barring a miracle, i'm on a break til 8.

Well that was nice.

Oh well, Washington. You're the new Detroit!

Stupid World Poker Tour!

I watch poker for thirty seconds and Washington scores??? Now we got a game with a quarter left if they can stop this Giants drive...don't really see that happening, ever. They need big d RIGHT NOW.

Tek.

It's time, Jason. It's time. Please sit.

Commercials 2.

Dear Bruce Willis, I know your new movie was filmed in a combo of Worcester and Boston, but fuck it looks awful. Like, hot poop on fire awful. I'm really disappointed in you with this effort. The only think sucking more than that preview is the Skins offense. I'm offended by both. Wait...wait...their run defense is terrible also. A whole day of football and the best two games so far are both Sox games. Why can't some other networks pick up football games? Don't they have any money? WHY DID I MISS MY DONOVAN GET CRACKED IN THE RIBS? That hit looked late to me, by the way. I'm no expert.

Side note.

Tennis is cool and all, but I really think CBS dropped the ball not having a doubleheader on the first Sunday of NFL. Quite lame of them. I'm pretty sure Federer is a post-op transsexual. He just looks a little too girly in the face area.

TRICKERY!

Skins pull off a nice fake job as Smith (the punter) runs one in for a TD. NO ONE IN FOOTBALL has a better "Fuck, i'm so disappointed in my team" face than Tom Coughlin, who clearly said after the fact, "Oh my god, that's fucking horse shit."

Osi.

As much as I hate the Giants, I am an Osi Umenyiora fan...he's a gamer. Nice fumble return for TD to put the G-Men up 17. Fuck, I HATE the Giants. Reaaaaaaally hate those guys. Redskins are in the redzone though...Portis gets two. I really hope they can make a game out of this. Papi just laced a ground rule double for the Sox and they are threatening with one down in the second. Mike Lowell, who I'm pretty sure is 83 years old, is at the dish. 3rd and goal in NY, that Giants D shuts em down. Back at Fenway, Lowell with an RBI to give the Sox the lead.

Washington doin work.

Some excitement possible as Wash forces a TO and might be able to punch it in to make this game interesting. You know what's interesting? Not Joe Buck. I hate that man.

Skins game.

Man this Giants game is boring. New York is driving from about midfield here...Santana Moss going apeshit is always a good time though. HE HASN'T HAD HIS MEDS TODAY. Sox coming up.

Back early.

Now i'm stuck watching the fucking Giants. Man I hate the Giants. It is a truly inspirational story though, how a man with Down syndrome can be the quarterback of a football team...Oh Eli. You struggle against God's cruel plan for my entertainment. Classic.

Another break.

Games ending...starting up again later. Pick it up at 5, baby. Read back, you missed some stuff.

All Day.

Browns. Learn how to tackle. Period. You look like a Division 3 college team...of blind kids. Torched for 180 by Peterson. Unreal. My grandmother makes a tackle on the sideline there. Can we move the Browns to NFL Europe? This is the game I was stuck with. Fuck, I need DirecTV now.

Keller!

My fantasy TE with 4 recs and 94 yards! I love it! Sadly, he is now on the sideline, further helping my team not score touchdowns today. We have ONE TD as a whole (Pass TD from Peyton). Wake the fuck up, FormerJilliansLifers!!!

Bud Light, please cut it out.

Alright, three beers officially sponsor the NFL, but it's so clear that Bud Light is the least delicious of the three. The ads with the super annoying guy hawking combo items (grill+cooler=grooler) is making me want to grill his balls. Bud Light, please, taste better. Please. Putting lime in doesn't help either. Feces still tastes like feces, even with lime on it. I'd rather drink camel piss. Or camel piss lite. Only 3g of carbs.

Simms again...

Don't know if anyone caught it, but Phil definitely called Owen Daniels "Owen Wilson" a little while ago. The Dolphins are ruining my upset pick of the day getting shut out by the Falcons. They should run all wildcat, all day. My fantasy team is up by twelve. That won't last. Cleveland can still make it a game...ohhh wait they are punting. What's with their kicker, Zastudil. Isn't that the birth control that also clears up mild facial acne?

Back from the break.

Jets are threatening. DUSTIN KELLER! PLEASE!! Damnit, Thomas Jones, TD. He's not on my fantasy team. Looks like the Texans, who I picked today, are done. But there's still time for me to be totally correct. Meanwhile, Favre completes to Shancoe (no relation) and they are deep in the red with a full set upcoming.

Coming to the half.

I think i'm gonna take a Tiger Woods break. Here comes a two minute drill for Favre and the Vikes from the 15. He hasn't aired one out today. Heyyyy, the Sox are tied in the top of the eighth...I've been slackin on my clickin. Back after the half.

Coles!

Welcome to Sunday, Lavernues! 1 catch for 11 yards gets me 1.35 fantasy points! Thank you for what will eventually be your only contribution to my losing effort this week. Fucking asshole.

Pushin down on you...pushin down on me...

Sanchez is better under pressure than not under pressure! As soon as I say that, he gets a clear throw and overthrows the ball by ten yards! I'M A BLOG GENIUS.

Sloppy football!

Texans were looking good for A PLAY when Slaton coughed it up, leading to a Jets recovery and more eventual sloppiness. Should I watch women's bowling at 2? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, women's bowling.

Fantastical.

Here are my soon to be 5th place "FormerJilliansLifers" in the 2009 Jillians Fantasy League...QB P. Manning, WR'S Steve Smith, Hines Ward, L. Coles (can't spell it). RB's Buckhalter, Jonathan Stewart, TE Keller (afore-mentioned), FLEX J. Norwood, K Kaeding, DEF New England Patriots. Thoughts? Concerns? I have lots of concerns.

Houston on the attack.

The Texans are driving now from their own 40...incompletion, then quick run for 4. I'm pretty upset that Lito Sheppard jumped ship from my Birds to the Jets. Andre Davis JUST GOT LEVELED. Hold on to the ball, son.

Minny D.

Kevin Williams just got an almost untouched sack on Brady Quinn (always both names because he doesn't deserve one-name status) to set up a CLE punt and a return to the twenty. I'm not happy with the two games I'm getting. I also don't get the Red Zone channel. I'm gonna have to take this blog on the road to a bar or something one of these days. Favre in the red zone now...

Scoreless.

Nothin nothin at Fenway...just back to the Jets game hoping Keller can get six for my fantasy squad and the J-e-t-s. Nope! Incoplete to Chansi Stuckey (best name ever). Here comes the FG unit.

Jets in the Red Zone...

Houston is stacking the run okay early in this game...Sanchez is threatening in the red zone. I think a Dustin Keller touchdown is the way to go here, personally. Gimme a leg up for my not so great $100 fantasy team. This is 3rd down...a passing down, right? Right? Sanchez calls time. Click.

Sack masters.

Favre loses four on a sack...clearly daydreaming about tapioca and hip replacements. Meaaaaaanwhile, Mark Sanchez just threw a near pick. Sanchez didn't look terrible on his feet though, 3rd and 10, a toss to my fantasy TE, Dustin Keller (huge year) for a first down and more. My complete fantasy team update coming up shortly.

Commercials.

I really hope we don't start this nonsense early today...both games taking commercials at once. What's the deal with that? I think Goodell does it on purpose. Favre looks weird in purple. He's about to toss his second series.

Phil Simms.

Live on the field in Houston and Phil Simms tells us that "every team believes they are going to the Super Bowl." Here's where he's wrong: Kansas City, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Washington DC, Buffalo, Cincinatti, Cleveland....do I have to put them all down here?

I'm back,

Boomer Esiason still can't find his camera cue, eh? First on the Field is up on CBS. It's tough to pick between the three pregame shows...they're kinda all the same...mad dudes yelling at each other that the Texans aren't going anywhere this year, and all the ones who used to play for some team always pick that team. It's sad-ish. Still better than my current job.

I am ready for some football.

Is this thing on? Good. Busy sports day today, already started with the Sox mini threat in the first inning of at least 18 they'll play today. I don't think i've watched a Sox game in about two weeks, what gives with that? Anyway, just so they are on paper, here are my NFL picks for today. Eagles, Ravens, Vikings, Dolphins, TEXANS, Saints, Colts, Cowboys, Cardinals, Giants, Seahawks, Bears. Did I pick the Texans? Oops.

Waiting for X-Games.

This Sox game just isn't exciting, and the golf is...well...golf. X Games at three, Phillies at four.

Bye Merkin!

Pubic wig, we were looking for pubic wig. Baldelli in for Drew after Big Papi walks in a run to make it 5-0. Can the Orioles play the Nationals in a Caribbean World Series style event, best out of 11 games, and whoever loses can be eliminated from professional baseball competition forever?

Eye of the Tiger...

Tiger been roaring since Friday and just missed a putt for birdie. I'm gonna buy a red polo, and then wear it to normal Sunday events and celebrate like crazy. I'm gonna pray like a motherfucker at church and do the Tiger fist pump when God answers my prayers of winning the lottery. THIS JUST IN: Tiger Woods just killed a spectator with an errand 3-wood shot into the gallery.

Did he say what I think he said?

Is the Orioles starter named Merkin? We all know what a merkin is, right?

4-spot.

Why does Dave Roberts sound like the kids who announce the lineup sometimes? He just sped through the Sox D like he had never read the names before. Good thing he saved the Red Sox in 04. I'll give him a pass for that...he needs practice in the booth though. Where's Remy? Is he still laid up? Why can't he do what Tommy Heinsohn does? That guy will NOT travel anywhere but the Garden. Remy should have an apartment at Fenway. Doesn't Pesky live there? They could be roommates...I smell a sitcom! Sox are up 4-0!

Is it football season yet??

Getting pretty bored with the usual Sunday lineup of sports. It's always golf and baseball. Another major sport needs to start happening A S A P. Hell, I would even settle for hockey. I wake up this morning and fucking swimming is on?? NO PHELPS! Can anyone tell me that they would nail Dara Torres? I might. Papi up with bases loaded as the Sox threaten early. I'm conflicted about how I feel about him...hmmmmmmm.

I get bored easy.

Farewell for the afternoon, gang. Keep with updates at the official twitter.

Really?

I JUST SAW ALFONSO RIBEIRO!!!!! HE DID NOT DO THE CARLTON DANCE!!! MY LIFE IS NOT COMPLETE!!!! Saw him during the pro-am. Not in real life.

Pro-am.

It must be tough to be the announcer for a pro-am golf tournament. First, you announced a golf tournament on a weekend where there was a loaded major, and you weren't invited to announce said major. Secondly, none of the players in this event have anything to play for. Bragging rights? This should be a b-list celebrity only event. We have Jordan, Jerry Rice, and Romo. What if we had Andy Dick, Kathy Griffin, and Skeet Ulrich? Winner can pay their electric bill this month and still have enough left over to make it to their part time job at a supermarket at 6 pm.

Too close...

Would be nice to see some of these games go to extras. Tigers and Yankees are also tied late, heroics are always fun, no matter the team. I wonder if some of the Nats have second jobs. They play like they do baseball part-time.

Action!

Some tense moments around baseball Sunday, Indians/Mariners tied in the eighth, same with Reds/Brewers, and as far as the Nationals...wellllllll...down by nine. It aint over till its over, right? It's July, Washington. Sorry, but it's over.

What's Happ-nin?

J.A. Happ just weaseled his way out of a sick bases loaded no out jam in an afternoon where nothing is going right for the Marlins. Couple of tight games going on right now. Phils are DESTINED for the World Series. Who can stop them in 5/7 games? Maybe the Cards? Not when we get Halladay. In an absolutely SHOCKING turn of events, the USA/Canada women's soccer game is tied at zero. UN-FUCKING-REAL.

Imagine that.

The Marlins (who I didn't think were going to be around right now, see: my last post) are apparently getting a new stadium. Apparently, according to the announcers, in centerfield they are going to have what's supposed to look like a beach, except without the sand. Wait...really? Anyway, their stadium looks to be about 30 percent filled right now (and like 50 percent of that is Phils Phans). Where are they getting this money? Are their owners knocking off retirees' bingo games and stealing SS checks?

Cro-magnon.

If you had told me that the GEICO cavemen and lizard would still be around after all these years, I would have told you to go fuck your mother. The same statement applies for the following things/people: both pro Florida baseball teams, the MLS, the WNBA, Jamie Moyer, Tom Watson, Garfield movies, Glenn Beck, Tom Cruise, my job at Lucky Strike. Oh wait, that job isn't around anymore? Well...go fuck your mother.

Next!

Red Sox and Blue Jays, Jays up 2-1. Soon to be Philadelphia Phillie Roy Halladay is throwing a gem. I'm gonna be a very sad boy if all the hype swirling amounts to nothing. We haven't had a big name trade in quite some time. Tek, meanwhile threw a ball on a pickoff steal attempt that makes me think HE things Georghe Muresan was the second baseman.

Keep on Rolen....

Is it me, or does Scott Rolen look exhausted? He's had a rough injury filled career, and until they just showed him on TV, I wasn't sure he was still alive. I think he's just going through the motions until he can move on to the next stage of his life as Russell Crowe's stunt double.

Watson's collapse.

Watson shot a 7 on the third playoff hole and is about to finish one of the most depressing collapses i've ever seen. Stewart Cink holes it to win the Claret Jug. The Scots applaud his efforts. That's as exciting as I can make that. Time for baseball.

Tell us how you really feel...

One of the announcers has his tongue so far up Cink's ass he's tasting yesterday's dinner. "Man, he is just a pro, great athlete, amazing family man, jovial...". Alright, he's a great guy, but it should go both ways in all sports. If John Daly is in this playoff, are the announcers like "Yeah, I mean he got lucky all weekend...but he smokes, drinks, gambles, and rapes puppies. No one likes him, and the sport is terrible with him in it. What a fucking douche, Tom. What a douche. I mean, I wouldn't announce golf if he wasn't so bad that I felt the need to tell the world that he is really just a completely useless individual. I mean, fuck. Fuck that guy. Daly for bird!!!"

Pros/cons.

What I do like about golf is that you can hear whats going on on the course more often than not on the course. Players talking to caddies, cameras get close and pick up sound. They are now picking up Watson being pissed about the shit lie he's got in a pile of pillow stuffing. Knocked it about 30 feet and its still in the deep stuff. Imagine if you could get this close to a meeting on the mound at a baseball game? Imagine Beckett saying "Fine, Tito, take me out...But i'm headed to the State Street bathroom for a beer and a happy ending."

Par.

Cink needs to bury this par to answer Watson's par. He drains and keeps a one shot lead. Meanwhile, the Phillies just opened up an error-laden 4 run lead on the Marlins...their new pitcher drills the Hawaiian in the thigh to bring up Chase. Weird stat, Chase is 0-1 with an RBI by a HBP with bases loaded. Jennie Finch is hurling for the USA against the Aussies in the Kentucky Fried Chicken Try Our New Original Grilled Chicken. I would butter her biscuits while she ate my drumstick. Anyone? Anyone?

Cink leads early...

Weird course to play a major. I know its supposed to be difficult, but who wants to watch dudes make mistakes all weekend? Does anyone other than pros play this course? If so they probably have given up golf for life. Watson just shanked one well right of the green in an area that looks like Snuffalufagus' ball sack. Sweet out though within ten feet. Golf clap. Shhhhhh.

Noooooot yet...

Its like a little too early to start watching sports, when The Open is on commercial. No scores in most of the baseball games. Why is the Softball World Cup sponsored by KFC? That's a direct conflict of interests. Phils just end a threat. J.A. Happ looks good recently. Can't wait to see him in a Blue Jays uniform.

The Open Championship.

Cink birdies the 18th to tie Watson who just blew about 6-7 feet putt to force a playoff. Drama! That is just the beginning today, as we also have Phillies/Marlins, Red Sox (every baseball game...thanks free preview weekend), Tour De France (Stage 15, tape delay) Softball World Cup, and more. Stick around.

T.O. Double...

Todd:"I would take Greg Gumbel over Byrant Gumbel any day of the week."
Me:"What, like...in a fight?"

Day two...

Woot! Day two, cut short because I have to work tonight...but that's okay! Nothing wrong with that. Here are my picks today....Louisville, THE Ohio State, Utah, Wake Forest, Dayton, Kansas, USC, Michigan State, Marquette, Missouri, Pitt, Tennessee, Florida State, Xavier, Temple (homer pick, GO OWLS!) and Syracuse, which is the game we get nationally right now. They are playing Stephen F. Austin, and again with their coach who looks like he raped a murderer. Man, he is fucking sketchy. I think he might pickpocket me.

End game.

So the day peaked at about 330 during all the good games. Now none of the games are close. I have now given up on basketball for the night. Back here at noon tomorrow for the first half of games. Sadly, you won't have the added benefit of me getting hammered because I have to work tomorrow night. A great first day of college ball. Until tomorrow morning, kids...

Have I been drinking?

Yes. I'm 7 beers, 2 Jameson on the rocks, and 1 tall red bull and vodka deep. The word penetrate is used WAY too much during basketball coverage. You really want to use that word while two 10 hour upper 20's-aged immature drinkers have been at it all day? "You can never over-penetrate." That's from big Ray. Marysita has reappeared from the doldrums of the Powerhouse as Duke rolls up a ten point lead. WKU (Hilltoppers) are up on Illinois by 3 right now in the only game currently worth watching. It's falling off quickly, gang. Back in a flash.

Ray Ray Ray again...

"If you put a gun to my head, I could not point out on a map where Morgan State is." That's why they're down by ten.

Not so entertaining.

It turns out that all the night games are rather boring. Duke and OK are blowing out their low seeds. Binghamton, the America East champs, look like they might be a somewhat okay high school team in Canada. Why aren't they in the CBI?? That's right folks. There are THREE non-Big-Dance tournaments that you can make if you are awful. NIT, CBI, CIT. Look 'em up. Prepare to be massively disappointed. UCLA up four on The Commonwealth of Virginia. Man...the excitement just is not there right now. Especially not on the face of Kevin Broadus, the coach of the Binghamton Bears. No relation to Calvin Broadus, who you know as Snoop Dogg. He should give his last name brethren a call and have him...take care...of Duke, cause they won't.

Night games.

Waiting for Duke and Oklahoma now. Have I ever told you that I fucking despise Greg Paulus? Fuck I hate him and I hope Duke loses by ninety. McNeese from Gonzaga just threw down a MONSTER JAM and the Zags are on their way to round two. Second favorite play of the day...the first being the nasty hockey check in the Miss St./Washington game. Unreal action today. My least favorite play today? The dunk that the Zags just bricked. It was a white guy. Sorry, caucasoids.

Nail biting.

The comeback by Nova. American thought they could foul their way to victory...very sad indeed. Now you feel the wrath of the Wildcats. Meanwhile, the Akron Zips are tied up with the Zags...thus completing the possible 13-4 upset. Mary Miles, by the way, is disappointing me quite highly. The only girl here and she is really just shitting the bed.

Ray Ray "I've spent a lot of money getting pink in my life."

It never ends. I just lost another game...picked Clemson, Michigan wins. Fuck. My. Bracket. NOVA HAS PULLED AWAY!!!!! Bit of a scare, but that's okay. Nova owns. Night games coming soon, with two possible upset specials (VCU, and the Hilltoppers) coming up.

Wildcats crawling back?

Nova is slowly catching up to American but time is running out on the Cats as they are still down by ten. The Krauss has joined the Nova bandwagon. I have them in the Elite Eight and they will CRUSH my bracket with a loss. All the American Eagles have apparently been sucking Ray Allen's dick, cause they look pretty from three. Nova down six only.

Cold sweat...

American is up by ten. Ten. On Villanova. Villanova at home. American. Up by ten. Ten.

Halftime breaks...

Clemson is losing to Michigan in the Battle of Who Could Score Less, 27-24...Akron hangs with the Zags at 17, and the Longhorns are up on the Gophers at half. American can really shoot the rock. I did not know this coming in. I feel like someone should've warned me. Just because i'm rooting for Nova, newcomer and Powerhouse resident Marysita and also Ray Ray Ray are rooting for American. I, however...am anti-American. Fuck yeah. American still up by three, almost at the two minute warning.

Wildcats in a battle...

MY number 3 Villanova Wildcats are not really running away early from the American...Americans? Yeah I made that joke already, but where else could I go there. Welcome to the second half of the marathon, and i'm 6 for 8 so far today, with both my nine seeds having lost terribly. Michigan is close to Clemson, only up 2, same with Minnesota v Texas. Could all the games be good tonight? Doubtful. Akron has just opened against Gonzaga. They are...the Zips. The Akron Zips. American can't stop nailing threes. I'm a little worried. Is it showing? Fuck.

Correction.

Those teams were actually me and Krauss vs. Cassie and Ray Ray Ray, with Cass and Ray coming out on top. A sad outcome. Nova soon.

Ray Ray Ray...

"Hey, Steiny, wanna not try to foam in your girlfriend's face while I'm sitting right next to her?"

Cornhole...

Cassie and The Krauss defeated me and Ray Ray Ray 2 games to 1 at bags, crushing my self esteem. Meanwhile, the second half of Washington/Miss State has opened up. Is UConn good? Or was Chattanooga that bad? Bit of both. Be back for the Nova game. Wildcats, HOOOOOOOOOO!

By the way...

Apparently, someone during the Maryland/Cal game just got "lathered up" after hitting their first three. What was once a close game has now turned into a Maryland walkover. Almost time for some bags outside...a break is still necessary. P.S. I just started in on the Jameson.

Carpal tunnel.

It's real, kids. It can happen to you. Maryland and Cal is the only game worth watching right now...so i'm going to uhhh....you know, watch it. As it goes to halftime. Going on a break, be back at 6 for a first half wrap up.

The Mocs hang tough...

UConn looks alright at best right now, and can't quite pull away...oops, spoke too soon, A.J. Price has nailed two threes straight to go up by 10...and now a third one to go up by 13! Maryland vs. Cal is the best game...the Terrapins (those are turtles, apparently) are up by a mere one point as we're 5 minutes from the half. We let our mascot out of his cage for now...he needs to learn to be an adult for a little while.

Cast of characters...

Now tagging along on our fantastic voyage is The Krauss, Big Ray Ray Ray, and the T.O. Double as we get the UCONN game started against the Chattanooga Mocs. That's right...the Mocs. Oddly, Terrell Owens went to this college, and probably has a better J than any current Moc, though they are up by two. What's up with the high seeds today? Number of Fast and Furious ads, by the way, is up to three. Ugh. Someone must kill Vin Diesel.

Little stall...

If you like not having any option as to what you are watching, then it's definitely time you get on board with this Northern Iowa vs. Purdue game. UNC hasn't started yet, so this is the best we got right now. Currently, Northern Iowa is quite outmatched against the Purdue defense. By the way, they are the Panthers. In case you were wondering. Not to be confused with the Pitt Panthers. Those Panthers are...you know...good.

All is well.

Cal State got waaaaay too greedy late. They will lose after a solid effort. So ONE of my picks of the first three games will actually win and they were a 2-seed. What does that tell you about the rest of my potential bracket? Ugh.

Timeout, Memphis.

Memphis has taken a timeout because they are down six...SIX. They look terrible right now...hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile, in Greensboro, LSU just went up two and Butler takes a timeout. Why won't CBS pick up the Memphis game??? I'm reduced to watching it in the quality of "90's porn. Oooh, that pixel has a nipple." That's right from Ray's mouth.

The Setup.

On the left, Ray's computer. On the right, Steiny's. In the middle, the 55-60 inch rear projection HD MEGABEAST. You wish you were here. Cal State is shooting 54 percent right now. This might be the best game i've seen this year.

Two one-pointers...

Cal State?? UP BY ONE, NAILING THREES. I still think they will get the horn in a little bit. Meanwhile Butler has a lead, and are making me look better. Memphis ties it up. Two good games!!!!! It's a first! FEEL THE MADNESS!!!!

The CBS Widget.

Keep up with scores to your right. It's my CBS sports widget! It tells me that UNC is playing at 2:50pm. Good...for them. If Memphis loses today i'm going to have to re-do my bracket and put The Matadors as national champs. You heard it here first...CAL STATE NORTHRIDGE. Now on my douche nozzle list of the day, as if he wasn't already...Vin Diesel. Do I have to see a thousand Fast and Furious ads all day today?? Fuck, I might just give up. On life.

Coming back...

All this nonsense is OF COURSE just a distraction until we get down to the REAL game tonight with YOUR Villanova Wildcats taking on the 14-seed American University Foregone Conclusions. That's 7:20p tonight. Meanwhile Butler is just back from the break and they are within four. I can only imagine what ass-reaming is going on in the Memphis locker room right now. Calipari is a beast.

Almost halftime...

All three games are coming to the break right now, and the Matadors are only down TWO to Memphis! Upset in the making??? BYU is still shitting the bed. It's gotta be tough to satisfy multiple wives and play an early b-ball match. You didn't know? Yep. Mormons. Their nickname is the Cougars, which is what each player goes home to like 9 of every night. Its true! This is a picture of their point guard. He can drain the three...all three.

Background noise...

I definitely just heard one of the bands at the Memphis game playing Sexyback. I happen to know that JT likes the Tigers, so maybe it's some type of ass backwards tribute. Memphis is a one man wrecking crew right now. Not gonna lie, i'd let Justin wreck me in a game of one-on-one. He could totally bring my sexy back. Am I right, fellas? Anyone?

For Three!

Northridge is hanging tight with the Tigers, but Memphis has been bangin' threes...LSU didn't score for seven minutes but STILL leads Butler by seven. Make it four as Butler nails a three....make it seven again as LSU answers with a trey, and catch a foul to to the line. I'm not even bothering with the BYU/A&M game right now...at least the other two games are close. Aggies are up by 13. Cal State is MAKING MOVES! Only down by four! This just in...they are the Matadors. You have to believe that if this game is the picture above, then Memphis will eventually be the bull.

Memphis Tigers...

Down a little to the Cal St. Northridge....Northridges.Also coming up later, I will make fun of team nicknames. Now three games are going, and all three of my picks in these games are losing. BYU is getting dommed by Texas A&M, and even Memphis as mentioned, is down three early. Butler is turning out to be perhaps the worst first round team I've ever picked. Their team nickname is the Bulldogs. Holy fuck if that isn't optimistic.

My pick = Death knell.

So I, as seen in my previous post, picked Butler for the mini upset against LSU...and of course they come out like molasses and are already down nine with less than two minutes played. LSU is playing lights out defense. Clark Kellogg is a filthy whore, by the way. I feel like a lot of people will be added to my "filthy whore" list today. Ooooh, they made a free throw! 9-1, Tigers. Next game, please.

My picks...

TODAY: Butler, Memphis, BYU, Purdue, UNC, Maryland, UCONN, Washington, Texas, Clemson, Villanova, Gonzaga, Duke, Oklahoma, Illiois, UCLA. Documented. Final answer.

Beware the Madness of March...

And so it begins. 64 teams, 63 disappointments and excuses. I'm at the Powerhouse in Brighton, MA, soon to be joined by Ray Ray Ray and some type of alcoholic beverage. Butler vs. LSU is game one! Watch along with me, kids. Coming up: all my selections, drunken ramblings, overreaction to referee mistakes, and much much more. By the way, that's my pick to win it all...Tyler Doucheboro might be an unholy douche, but still the best in the country. Lawson might be hurt but...I picked them so, they will lose anyway. What the hell. I'm all done with this stupid March Madness. I never win anything.

Bulldogs vs. Volunteers

Possibly the game of the day on CBS, Miss St. vs. Tennessee. 8 seconds left, MSU shooting two hitting both, and Tennessee is about to get the ball back after the break. HEY! Seminoles! You fucking let me down. Way down. Down town.

AAAAAAAAND NOOWWWWW...

YOUR REIGNING AND DEFENDING...WORLD CHAMPIONS OF BASEBALL....THE 2009 PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES!!!!!!!! Chan Ho Park didn't allow a run today!!! Nice. By the way, the UTSA team nickname is the Roadrunners. Yep. The Roadrunners. Meep meep.

Lumberjack match!

UTSA can't hit a three to save their lives...looks like Stephen F. Austin might hang on with less than six to go. Florida State??? Make me proud, I picked you in an upset. All adrenaline, baby! Douglas is sitting right now, but FSU still looking good. OHHH Jon Scheyer is ice ice baby. Three ball. But FSU answers. ITS A BACK AND FORTH DONNYBROOK!

Too close for comfort.

Flyers still losing, and the Celtics are a little too close to the Bucks. Did Marbury play in Milwaukee? And by play in, I mean ruin. Tommy Heinsohn just said something along the lines of "keeping a guy between your knees"...it's a stretch but...you could make it sexual. Think about it.

This just in...

Apparently, there's a women's March Madness also. I'm not upset about the lack of media coverage...i'm just upset that ESPN could've shown me programming information I gave a shit about. The Stephen F. Austin coach looks like a serial killer OR a child molester...or both, combined. He looks like he may have molested a serial killer.

Stephen F. Austin?

Who was Stephen F. Austin? I hope he was a lumberjack, because that's their team nickname. And if he was a lumberjack, why did he have a college? The college named after him is up on UTSA (Texas-San Antonio) by two in the Southland final. I can't WAIT for one of these teams to live the dream of losing to a 2-seed (likely UConn). And just in case I didn't make it clear...don't ever watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. Seriously. Ugh. 8 kids.

Jon and Kate plus someone kill me.

I managed to click over to Jon and Kate Plus 8 on the Learning Channel. They will be on until 3am. Here's what I've learned. Fuck 8 eight kids. Thanks, Learning Channel. And Kate is kind of a bitch.

Flyers...losing.

My Flyers are down 1 to the Rangers. Celtics are about to tip. I really wish I could take credit for this picture, but I found it on Google. Classic. Lakers vs. Mavericks is on later too...but right now, i'm watching Cult Killer on MSNBC. You should try it. It's about uhhh...a uhhh...Cult...killer.

The Atlantic Coast Conference.

Let's go Noles! Two look alikes involved with this game...Mike Gminski looks like fatter Stephen King, and Jon Scheyer looks like young Rik Smits. And I hate Greg Paulus. UGH I hate Greg Paulus. Does he even start? Fuck I hate that guy. Fuck him. Look at him. Now say the words. Fuck you, Greg Paulus.

Gaying it up.

I'm not happy with ESPN's College GameDay selection of Let It Rock as a theme song. I got out of the homosexual rave scene years ago and that song just reeks to high hell of it. I don't need X to enjoy a collegiate basketball game. My picks today...Tennessee, Purdue, FLORIDA STATE UPSET (Duke is super weak), Flyers, Celtics. Lotsa tip-offs momentarily, Flyers tied with the NY Rangers at a goose egg. Bullies baby.

Jay Bilas.

I think i'm developing a man crush on Jay Bilas. He just oozes bracktetology appeal. Fuck you, Joe Lunardi. So unattractive. On GameDay right now the discussion is fairly heated, which makes me think today will be a good day. Flyers, Bruins, Celtics, Big Ten/ACC/SEC/Southland finals to make the dance, Japan vs. Cuba in the WBC, AND BRACKETOLOGY!!! MY BRACKET!!! CRAZY SUNDAY, coming up at 1pm. Rece Davis just said "chinks".

Until next time...

As much as I love to blog...i've been dragged away from my computer with the promise of a poker game. Sad, no? Later kids!

Down, but not out...

The two best teams in their respective sports that happen to be from MY city are currently BOTH losing...Celtics at the half down i think 5 or 6, and the B's just let up a goal to...Zivlicki?? That's a guess. Close. It was Zidlicky. I liked mine better.

ACCIDENTS!

The first one was with cars outside my house...the second one was the puck that a Bruin who's name I don't know just took to the face.

Mini-comeback.

Pruitt nails a three to put the C's close 32-31, and KG ends a threat at the other side as the C's go for the lead...RAY RAY for two and the C's are up. Meanwhile on CSI: Miami, Horatio has just stared at someone, then looked at the ground, then put his sunglasses on, then left the scene almost immediately. Compelling, and rich.

What if?

So what happens if there is a period of hockey with no penalties OR scoring?? Does the announcer just yap yap yap for twenty straight minutes and then his head explodes? Inside a minute in the period during the Bruins game. Meanwhile, the Bobcats...yes, the Bobcats and their apple-bottom jeans are up by SEVEN. Make that five as Ray Ray catches a goaltending call. Augustin almost nails a 3/4courter to make it eight. Quarter over in bball, period over in hockey, and I am totally disappointed. WHERE IS THE GMAC BOWL?!?!?!

Tight...

Anyone else feel like this game is a little close? A nice little joke from Gorman about how Juwan Howard is in his forties...and meanwhile Perk has already missed two free throws in this game and they are tied at 18. Back home, the B's are attempting to kill a Wild power play and have done so successfully. Meanwhile my hometown Flyers are LOSING TO THE CAPITALS. You know what, Washington Capitals?? You have THE WORST TEAM NICKNAME IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. Go suck a camel's dick.

Tonight's attendance....

There are more people in my apartment right now than there are watching the 12-22 Larry Brown-led Bobcats at home, as the C's trail early with Perk missing a free throw. Bout three minutes into the Bruins and no score at the Garden. Mich. State has just tied the Buckeyes, and the Bulldogs of Georgia are currently running over the Yellow Jackets 9-2 early. All these games seem to go on commercial at the same time. I think i'm going to stick with Celtics and Bruins. More coming up.

Georgia vs. Georgia Tech

Um, a quick note...Georgia vs. Georgia Tech...they are in different conferences but in the same state. Weird. Also, back to our friend Emeka...or should I say Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor...that's his full name. God bless you. Four games listed as starting at 7pm tonight, and here we are at about 7 past, and only Ohio State vs. Michigan State has actually begun...college ball, with MSU ranked 12th in allllll the land and Ohio State unranked. No idea if this game is gonna be any good. There's women's ball on too, but we'll check that out later.

Celtics v. Bobcats....

Let's get started with the Celtics about to tip off in Charlotte, and the Bruins about to...drop the rubber at home. Is that a viable hockey term? It should be. Did you know that Nelly is a part owner (as well as MJ) of the Bobcats? No word on whether Emeka Okafor will be wearing his boots with the fur for this game. PRO HOOPS SOON.

New Year.

Back at sports related in '09 and what's good? Phillies are World Champs, Celtics are looking strong (up until Christmas), about to be the end of bowl season...it can get better, but not by much. We'll follow the C's and B's tonight, GMAC Bowl with Tulsa vs. Ball State, lots of college basketball, and some other stuff too. That's only five hours away. How can you NOT read it?