The quickening.

The Professional Football Team Formerly Known as the New England Patriots just got absolutely manfucked by The Triple A Miami Dolphins. Absolutely insane. Ronnie Brown has apparently become invincible. Matt Cassel has been sent to the Double-A Norwood Mud Hens. No 2-1 team will incur more scrutiny this week...and now its Eagles time.

Tears.

What is what i'm bored to when watching the Raiders???

Night.

Early score...

Cutler is trying to make sure I survive with an early passing TD. Raiders are now faced with a tough decision to go for it on 4th and inches, threatening, and very very early in this game. Mike Ditka, compared to Golic and Greenberg, sounds like the Swedish Chef.

Down on bended knee...

Even with a 20-plus penalty game, the inevitable end of this game with the ball in Tarvaris' hands...was him throwing the ball into Atari Bigby's (probably the coolest name ever) hands to end the game for the FIRST TURNOVER OF THE NIGHT. In a game with 20 mistakes, that was shocking. In unrelated news, the Vikings have sent Tarvaris Jackson down to their XFL developmental team, The St. Paul Stoprunningourteamintothegrounds. Nah, nah, the XFL doesn't exist anymore. My bad. Now time for the one team I wanted to win this weekend...BRONCOS. RAIDERS. I have the Broncos in my survival pool this week...let's all pray. Pray for Jay. This just in...ESPN thought it was cool to have every guy named Mike they have under contract announce this game, (Ditka, Golic, Greenberg). The Raiders need to hurry up and lose so I can get some sleep.

Phillies hang on...

Lidge comes back with 2 k's to shut down the Fish for an 8-6 final. I'm down to one game...and the Vikings managed a score to make this maybe a game with 2:29 left. Their run defense is pretty solid, and Minny will need a ridic two minute drive to win this game...with no timeouts, and a glorified oversized wide reciever at the helm of their theoretical offense. Let's watch!

And inches...

Jackson's offense is collapsing around him as the Vikes had to go for it on 4th down after a near interception. 3:13 left for them to put up a surprise. Whoever had them in the Super Bowl this year (and there's more than a few "professionals") will look at this game and say..oops, you need a quarterback and a defense to win a title. Even if they were knocking on the door, and managed to open it, behind it would be Jack Nicholson with an axe called reality. Not this year, not this decade. Meanwhile, The Brad Lidge who became Eric Gagne for a year and then returned to being Brad Lidge is attempting to close down the pesky Marlins in the top of the 9th, but just allowed a double and the tying run is at the plate. Scratch that...on base. Oh boy.

Time is running out.

The Vikings just wasted another opportunity from Jackson's arm on a questionable call and had to punt it away with 8 left in the game, while my Phillies have let most of a Jayson Werth induced 4 run lead disappear and now lead only 8-6. Sox have put it away with masterful pitching...and now I only have to alternate between two games, right up until Broncos v Raiders in about 25 minutes. The Broncos are missing Brandon Marshall, while the Raiders are missing professional football players.

Still good...

The Phillies still cling to a one-run lead, while the Sox have Papelbon in to save a game that will move them within half a game of the AL East lead. Green Bay still leads, and even thought Tarvaris Jackson can't throw a football to save his life, the Vikes are still kinda in this game with about a quarter left. We now run down the last 11 seconds of the third quarter, and the Vikings will take this time to wipe Ron Jaworski's lip prints off of Adrian Peterson's left asscheek.

Number 100!!

My 100th blog post has the Vikes/Pack back from halftime, the Marlins crawled back within one, and Jon Lester fanning his seventh batter in the 7th inning. I'm going to get some chicken.

Pack (lack of) Attack...

Rodgers is starting to wake up a little bit, but just perpetuated an incredible overthrow on a 2nd down out of the end zone. The baseball is starting to get interesting...Rays threatening Lester, and the Phillies now up 5-2. Rays are no longer threatening and Lester looks like a future ace for this ballclub. Flipping around during a triple commercial, I realized that both Olbermann and O'Reilly are showing interviews with Obama tonight. Olbermann was cool and relaxed, and they seem to have a nice rapport. O'Reilly, however, couldn't let Obama get a clean answer in to questions that O'Reilly wanted the answer to pretty adamantly. Pardon the interruption. Later tonight on Fox News...true video evidence that Bill O'Reilly rapes puppies.

Finally.

Phillies run Anal Sanchez from the mound with a 4-2 comeback...and Aaron Rodgers actually threw a touchdown pass to Corey Hall for a 7-3 lead over the Vikes. Lester still cruising. Phillies now up 5-2! It's going good for all my teams tonight, baby. By the way, my E A G L E S are back.

The AP Express.

Marlins have tied it at two with the Phils, Lester is still owning the Rays. Adrian Peterson just ran over Al Harris to the point where Al should call his Allstate agent. He then followed that with a 35 yard shake and bake that had the Vikings being cheered pretty loudly for a road team. He is a manbeast. Seven penalties already in this game which is somewhat ridiculous, mostly mental errors. Back to the Sox/Rays, apparently Rocco Baldelli is alive, and has left his job of head fluffer for Vivid Video to try a return to professional baseball. Vikings lead 3-0.

Yet another first for Rodgers...

His first 4 penalty series! His first 1st and 33! Ron Jaworski says "If they go any further back, they'll be in Michigan." Phils and Sox are out to early leads, Sox with a 3 run first capped by an absolute jack by Jason "Ay Bay" Bay. There is not a more annoying chant than "GO PACK GO". Marlins are threatening the Phils with bases loaded...back in a flash.

Early in the action...

Sox up 1-0 already, Phillies threatening in the first, and Aaron Rodgers has laid a goose egg in his first series as a Packer. No boos from the cheeseheads yet, but I anticipate they will come shortly if another series like that emerges. No word yet from Brett Favre on whether or not he told you so, but he did chime in with a "Na na na boo boo." It's still early, Aaron. Still early.

Start it up...

Anibal Sanchez is charged with taking my Phillies on tonight and we throw Joe Blanton, who kinda looks like his name...I don't know why. Rodgers is ready to go in Green Bay, and the Bosox start tonight a game and a half back of the Rays. They'll go ahead and run Jon Lester out to start the series. Three games at once, I'm out of my tits thinking i'll pay attention to all three. Rodgers kinda looks like a young 70's rock star...like it could've been Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Rodgers. How long until Green Bay fans start rocking Aa-Rod shirts? If he loses tonight, maybe never. Sox are underway with two quick outs. Kickoff and an update shortly, gang.

Jesus walks...off the field under his own power...

Man, that is a depressing photograph. Perhaps more depressing would be a number 8 Patriots "Rattay" jersey that no one will have under their Christmas tree ever. Just waiting for my Phillies and Sox to start up, so stay tuned.