I made it nine hours!

Nine hours is pretty solid, so i'm gonna call it a day. No one in the sporting events i'm watching feels like scoring. It's kind of annoying. All done, gang.

This...doesn't make sense.

Quite a few people I know would probably say that Megan Fox is pretty hot, right? Right. Okay, she's pretty good looking. So here's the question. Why are you going to put her in a movie in which her eyes bug out of her head, and she has fucking Mortal Kombat teeth? Where is the sense? I'm not saying i'm NOT going to see that movie BECAUSE she's not hot in it...I'm not going to see it because its clearly going to be absolutely terrible. I'm guessing its gonna be some From Dusk Till Dawn shit. She walks around naked for like 38 minutes, then she starts biting off puppies balls and eating baby spines. BABALITY, bitch.

Not VERY exciting.

Phils up one, aint no big deal, Bears and Packers tied. Might give it up soon.

Music+NFL = usually garbage.

Why do I have to wait for Faith Hill to finish singing some shitty song before I can watch football? She's wearing some extremely diesel tight high super whore boots. I guess they are pretty hot. But still, football can be played without her singing. This is NOT HALFTIME OF THE SUPER BOWL. Fox and CBS don't do that shit. Monday Night Football. That's the only time I want to hear singing before a game. Seriously. Check those Phillies out, Rollins on in the bottom of the first with the Hawaiian at the dish.

Vote for Pedro.

The Second Coming of P. Martinez is underway in Philly...Pedro K's Wright for out number two in the top of the first. It's gotta be the hair, Cotton. Curled and beautiful. You just don't see it anymore. The Mets are blinded by the Soul Glo. Feelin' oh-so-silky smooooooooooooth.

Onside time...

We now await an onside kick from Washington, who's rockin some too little too late. Barring a miracle, i'm on a break til 8.

Well that was nice.

Oh well, Washington. You're the new Detroit!

Stupid World Poker Tour!

I watch poker for thirty seconds and Washington scores??? Now we got a game with a quarter left if they can stop this Giants drive...don't really see that happening, ever. They need big d RIGHT NOW.

Tek.

It's time, Jason. It's time. Please sit.

Commercials 2.

Dear Bruce Willis, I know your new movie was filmed in a combo of Worcester and Boston, but fuck it looks awful. Like, hot poop on fire awful. I'm really disappointed in you with this effort. The only think sucking more than that preview is the Skins offense. I'm offended by both. Wait...wait...their run defense is terrible also. A whole day of football and the best two games so far are both Sox games. Why can't some other networks pick up football games? Don't they have any money? WHY DID I MISS MY DONOVAN GET CRACKED IN THE RIBS? That hit looked late to me, by the way. I'm no expert.

Side note.

Tennis is cool and all, but I really think CBS dropped the ball not having a doubleheader on the first Sunday of NFL. Quite lame of them. I'm pretty sure Federer is a post-op transsexual. He just looks a little too girly in the face area.

TRICKERY!

Skins pull off a nice fake job as Smith (the punter) runs one in for a TD. NO ONE IN FOOTBALL has a better "Fuck, i'm so disappointed in my team" face than Tom Coughlin, who clearly said after the fact, "Oh my god, that's fucking horse shit."

Osi.

As much as I hate the Giants, I am an Osi Umenyiora fan...he's a gamer. Nice fumble return for TD to put the G-Men up 17. Fuck, I HATE the Giants. Reaaaaaaally hate those guys. Redskins are in the redzone though...Portis gets two. I really hope they can make a game out of this. Papi just laced a ground rule double for the Sox and they are threatening with one down in the second. Mike Lowell, who I'm pretty sure is 83 years old, is at the dish. 3rd and goal in NY, that Giants D shuts em down. Back at Fenway, Lowell with an RBI to give the Sox the lead.

Washington doin work.

Some excitement possible as Wash forces a TO and might be able to punch it in to make this game interesting. You know what's interesting? Not Joe Buck. I hate that man.

Skins game.

Man this Giants game is boring. New York is driving from about midfield here...Santana Moss going apeshit is always a good time though. HE HASN'T HAD HIS MEDS TODAY. Sox coming up.

Back early.

Now i'm stuck watching the fucking Giants. Man I hate the Giants. It is a truly inspirational story though, how a man with Down syndrome can be the quarterback of a football team...Oh Eli. You struggle against God's cruel plan for my entertainment. Classic.

Another break.

Games ending...starting up again later. Pick it up at 5, baby. Read back, you missed some stuff.

All Day.

Browns. Learn how to tackle. Period. You look like a Division 3 college team...of blind kids. Torched for 180 by Peterson. Unreal. My grandmother makes a tackle on the sideline there. Can we move the Browns to NFL Europe? This is the game I was stuck with. Fuck, I need DirecTV now.

Keller!

My fantasy TE with 4 recs and 94 yards! I love it! Sadly, he is now on the sideline, further helping my team not score touchdowns today. We have ONE TD as a whole (Pass TD from Peyton). Wake the fuck up, FormerJilliansLifers!!!

Bud Light, please cut it out.

Alright, three beers officially sponsor the NFL, but it's so clear that Bud Light is the least delicious of the three. The ads with the super annoying guy hawking combo items (grill+cooler=grooler) is making me want to grill his balls. Bud Light, please, taste better. Please. Putting lime in doesn't help either. Feces still tastes like feces, even with lime on it. I'd rather drink camel piss. Or camel piss lite. Only 3g of carbs.

Simms again...

Don't know if anyone caught it, but Phil definitely called Owen Daniels "Owen Wilson" a little while ago. The Dolphins are ruining my upset pick of the day getting shut out by the Falcons. They should run all wildcat, all day. My fantasy team is up by twelve. That won't last. Cleveland can still make it a game...ohhh wait they are punting. What's with their kicker, Zastudil. Isn't that the birth control that also clears up mild facial acne?

Back from the break.

Jets are threatening. DUSTIN KELLER! PLEASE!! Damnit, Thomas Jones, TD. He's not on my fantasy team. Looks like the Texans, who I picked today, are done. But there's still time for me to be totally correct. Meanwhile, Favre completes to Shancoe (no relation) and they are deep in the red with a full set upcoming.

Coming to the half.

I think i'm gonna take a Tiger Woods break. Here comes a two minute drill for Favre and the Vikes from the 15. He hasn't aired one out today. Heyyyy, the Sox are tied in the top of the eighth...I've been slackin on my clickin. Back after the half.

Coles!

Welcome to Sunday, Lavernues! 1 catch for 11 yards gets me 1.35 fantasy points! Thank you for what will eventually be your only contribution to my losing effort this week. Fucking asshole.

Pushin down on you...pushin down on me...

Sanchez is better under pressure than not under pressure! As soon as I say that, he gets a clear throw and overthrows the ball by ten yards! I'M A BLOG GENIUS.

Sloppy football!

Texans were looking good for A PLAY when Slaton coughed it up, leading to a Jets recovery and more eventual sloppiness. Should I watch women's bowling at 2? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, women's bowling.

Fantastical.

Here are my soon to be 5th place "FormerJilliansLifers" in the 2009 Jillians Fantasy League...QB P. Manning, WR'S Steve Smith, Hines Ward, L. Coles (can't spell it). RB's Buckhalter, Jonathan Stewart, TE Keller (afore-mentioned), FLEX J. Norwood, K Kaeding, DEF New England Patriots. Thoughts? Concerns? I have lots of concerns.

Houston on the attack.

The Texans are driving now from their own 40...incompletion, then quick run for 4. I'm pretty upset that Lito Sheppard jumped ship from my Birds to the Jets. Andre Davis JUST GOT LEVELED. Hold on to the ball, son.

Minny D.

Kevin Williams just got an almost untouched sack on Brady Quinn (always both names because he doesn't deserve one-name status) to set up a CLE punt and a return to the twenty. I'm not happy with the two games I'm getting. I also don't get the Red Zone channel. I'm gonna have to take this blog on the road to a bar or something one of these days. Favre in the red zone now...

Scoreless.

Nothin nothin at Fenway...just back to the Jets game hoping Keller can get six for my fantasy squad and the J-e-t-s. Nope! Incoplete to Chansi Stuckey (best name ever). Here comes the FG unit.

Jets in the Red Zone...

Houston is stacking the run okay early in this game...Sanchez is threatening in the red zone. I think a Dustin Keller touchdown is the way to go here, personally. Gimme a leg up for my not so great $100 fantasy team. This is 3rd down...a passing down, right? Right? Sanchez calls time. Click.

Sack masters.

Favre loses four on a sack...clearly daydreaming about tapioca and hip replacements. Meaaaaaanwhile, Mark Sanchez just threw a near pick. Sanchez didn't look terrible on his feet though, 3rd and 10, a toss to my fantasy TE, Dustin Keller (huge year) for a first down and more. My complete fantasy team update coming up shortly.

Commercials.

I really hope we don't start this nonsense early today...both games taking commercials at once. What's the deal with that? I think Goodell does it on purpose. Favre looks weird in purple. He's about to toss his second series.

Phil Simms.

Live on the field in Houston and Phil Simms tells us that "every team believes they are going to the Super Bowl." Here's where he's wrong: Kansas City, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Washington DC, Buffalo, Cincinatti, Cleveland....do I have to put them all down here?

I'm back,

Boomer Esiason still can't find his camera cue, eh? First on the Field is up on CBS. It's tough to pick between the three pregame shows...they're kinda all the same...mad dudes yelling at each other that the Texans aren't going anywhere this year, and all the ones who used to play for some team always pick that team. It's sad-ish. Still better than my current job.

I am ready for some football.

Is this thing on? Good. Busy sports day today, already started with the Sox mini threat in the first inning of at least 18 they'll play today. I don't think i've watched a Sox game in about two weeks, what gives with that? Anyway, just so they are on paper, here are my NFL picks for today. Eagles, Ravens, Vikings, Dolphins, TEXANS, Saints, Colts, Cowboys, Cardinals, Giants, Seahawks, Bears. Did I pick the Texans? Oops.